These “information” products focus on giving you advice on dealing with people, but ignore the extreme importance of your inner sensitive spots and stress reactions.

I’ve found that many people just want someone to TELL them how to deal with difficult people. But after [...]]]> Why Advice from Books, Articles, Talks
or Teleseminars Don’t Produce REAL Change

These “information” products focus on giving you advice on dealing with people, but ignore the extreme importance of your inner sensitive spots and stress reactions.

I’ve found that many people just want someone to TELL them how to deal with difficult people. But after they receive that advice, they usually find it hard to follow through and turn it into constructive action simply because their emotions get in the way and create a lack of assertiveness.

In fact, I’ve discovered that providing information or “advice” alone usually doesn’t translate into positive action or successful results.

In other words, knowing what you SHOULD do about an interpersonal problem is simply NOT ENOUGH to solve the problem!

This is because advice or information alone can NEVER give you the inner feeling of confidence and the assertiveness skills you MUST HAVE in order to deal with people successfully.

Furthermore, advice is usually much too general to address your SPECIFIC situation or too weak to really change your inner beliefs about people, especially if your situation is loaded with anxiety, frustration or stress.

Someone telling you things you SHOULD do might be interesting, but it’s NOT going to change your habitual behaviors, reactions and emotions (which are undermining your success).

The ONLY way to to generate the confidence and assertiveness skills you need to be TRULY successful with people is through a shift on the inside, to FREE you from anxiety, frustration and stress and tap into your personal strength and power.

… discover how to produce REAL change

The most successful people in business aren’t the ones who possess special skills or knowledge. They’re the ones who can confidently communicate with people and arouse in them a spirit of cooperation [...]]]> If there is ONE skill in life that guarantees success in life, it’s knowing how to be assertive, confident and effective with people.

The most successful people in business aren’t the ones who possess special skills or knowledge. They’re the ones who can confidently communicate with people and arouse in them a spirit of cooperation …whether it’s an employee, a boss, a coworker, a customer, a client in your business or a business partner.

You may want a better relationship or a less stressful work environment, but if you can’t resolve conflicts and issues with people successfully, you will never truly achieve the positive results you want.

You may have good ideas, but if you can’t enlist the support and willingness of others, those ideas aren’t going to be accepted or acted upon, no matter who you’re dealing with.

Good people skills produce good results… in any walk of life.

After years of experience I realized that the UNDERLYING TRUTH about why we have so much difficulty being successful when dealing with people and relationships is…

Your automatic unconscious reactions prevent you from being confident and assertive!

That’s right! I’ve learned that no matter how much information you have and no matter how much you know about dealing with people, if you try to deal with people while feeling even slightly angry, afraid, unhappy or stressed, you will always AUTOMATICALLY do the wrong thing!

If you say or do anything from a negative emotion, you will always have a negative outcome in the end …Even if you had good intentions in the first place!

The reason that people FEEL difficult to deal with is precisely because they trigger our negative emotions. In other words, they “push our buttons” …even momentarily.

When someone pushes our buttons they are touching a sensitive spot in us, which triggers a negative emotional reaction. The result is the “fight or flight response” – we either feel angry and annoyed at the person or we want to escape and avoid them.

We can also have a “freeze” response, which is often experienced as a momentary lack of confidence or an inability to be assertive.

These reactions are instinctual and automatic self-preservation responses, which are deeply programmed within your psyche.

Numerous psychological studies have shown that the stress emotions, such as anger, frustration, anxiety or fear, interfere with your performance. In other words, your negative emotions actually interfere with your ability to solve problems and your ability to show assertive behavior.

Most people can understand this when the emotion is extremely intense… Just think about “stage fright” and how it affects someone’s performance. But most people don’t realize that even BRIEF negative emotions cause us to be ineffective, too, by making us say and do things that we regret later.

But it gets even worse!

These momentary emotions cause you to say things that you wish you hadn’t said, or make impulsive decisions that you later regret.

Then, your negative reactions, even small ones, trigger negative emotions in the other person! And in the exact same way, the person you are dealing with reacts negatively as well.

It all develops into a nice little vicious cycle that I call, “The Difficult People Tango”.

Sound familiar? Watch for it. You’ll see it in the way people react to someone who is being difficult.

But you DON’T have to be caught in your automatic reactions any longer…and it all starts with this one simple concept!

There is a hidden source of power within you.

Within each of us there is a secret reserve of creativity, wisdom and power that can come to your aid, if you know how to tap into it.

I became aware of this phenomenon during my years of work using clinical hypnosis with my patients. It always amazed me to see the things that people were capable of doing in hypnosis… things they had NO IDEA could ever be possible!

This hidden power can also appear in times of crisis. For example, Bob, a friend of mine, fell off the ferry into the ocean without anyone seeing him.

Nearly drowning, he heard a calm clear voice speak to him, “300 strokes, Bob… 300 strokes”. Bob miraculously found reserves of strength from within to swim over 8 1/2 hours throughout the night until he was eventually rescued the next morning!

I experienced the phenomenon myself when I was struggling with a difficult relationship issue. Using a particular therapy technique on myself, I experienced a sudden change… a feeling of calm came over me… followed by a feeling of strength welling up from within!

I had discovered how to tap into my unconscious reservoir of strength and confidence in the face of a difficult interpersonal issue.

These sudden experiences of creativity, strength and confidence are what I call the “Wellspring Phenomenon”.

… learn how to use the Wellspring Phenomenon to enhance your success

Very often they would end with a question like, “How can I control my feelings when I’m around this person?” or, “How do I get power over my emotions in this situation?”

Question From [...]]]> In my website survey, people reported all kinds of annoying and frustrating behavior in their coworkers, bosses, employees or family members.

Very often they would end with a question like, “How can I control my feelings when I’m around this person?” or, “How do I get power over my emotions in this situation?”

Question From a Reader…

“How do you maintain your composure when a person is being unrealistic in their behavior and their actions?”

My Response…

Your question is extremely important. You are rightly concerned about something I call, “The Difficult People Tango”. When a difficult person is being difficult their behavior often triggers a stress reaction in us – anger, annoyance, frustration, fear, anxiety, etc.

If we aren’t careful we may act on these negative feelings and then say or do negative things. In my experience, negative emotions ALWAYS produce negative actions and these negative actions almost always produce negative results.

So, you are quite right that maintaining your composure is valuable. But I would go further than that. Not only is maintaining your composure important, but it’s even better to feel strong and confident when dealing with diffcult people.

But your question was HOW to do that. There are a few key steps, which I explain in greater depth in my ebook, ‘Secrets of Dealing with Difficult People’.

(1) Target the problem behavior: Target the exact behavior you want to deal with. If there are several pick one at a time. (e.g., verbal abuse, complaining, refusing to cooperate, being abrasive, etc.)

(2) Identify your goal: Become clear about the way you want things to be instead. This could be as simple as wanting someone’s annoying behavior to not trigger you any more, or it could be as complicated as wanting to train someone to stop raising their voice and discuss matters in a calm and respectful way.

(3) Tap into your personal power: Think of an experience in your life that is associated with feeling strong and confident – some time in your life when you felt really good. Then close your eyes, remember this positive experience and blend these good feelings into a scenario with the difficult person. Visualize several episodes with this person blending in the good experience every time until you can feel yourself remaining calm and confident in the presence of the difficult person.

(4) Mentally rehearse dealing with the situation: Once you are feeling calmer and more confident, continue to mentally rehearse scenarios of dealing with this person’s difficult behavior. Imagine dealing with them in all sorts of ways – good, bad or ugly – and play it forward so you can see the probable effect of your actions.

This has a cleansing effect because you’ll see for yourself the negative effects of your negative actions. Your mind will then become more creative and also open to good ideas. This is when you’ll be most able to make constructive use of advice or ideas in books or tapes.

In my book, “Secrets of Dealing with Difficult People”, I gave you some coping strategies that you can use. However, I’ve learned that simply giving strategies to someone is NOT the same as actually giving them control over their emotions.

In other words, giving advice to someone may be interesting and useful to some extent, but to produce an ACTUAL change in the way a person is FEELING requires something more than that.

In my office I rarely give advice any more. It just doesn’t produce much in the way of genuine positive change.

What I do instead is to empower people – to give them a feeling of strength and confidence when facing the problem person or situation …and when THAT happens they usually find that they ALREADY KNOW what to do.

Now, here’s MY problem… Most people on the internet are searching for “information” or “advice” on dealing with difficult people, which is why I wrote the ebook, but I KNOW that what they REALLY need is a “shift in their emotional state” into their PERSONAL POWER!

If you would like me to guide you step-by-step into YOUR personal power …just as though you were sitting with me in my office …get the Wellspring Method Personal Effectiveness System and keep YOUR cool around difficult people.

Live Powerfully!
Dr Mark

Mark Lauderdale MD FRCPC
Psychiatrist and Personal Effectiveness Coach

If you can handle the emotional triggers you can truly clear the way to your personal success.

Take Jill’s [...]]]> What makes a person “difficult” to deal with? Sure, they may have attitudes or behaviours that are frustrating, but the really difficult part is handling your triggered emotions – your anxiety, your stress, your anger, etc.

If you can handle the emotional triggers you can truly clear the way to your personal success.

Take Jill’s situation, for example. Jill felt extremely uncomfortable having to confront her employee about a negative situation at work.

Watch this live and unrehearsed video to discover how Jill used the Wellspring Method to deal with her difficult situation …a situation she had been stewing about for several weeks!

Jill explained that she was the owner of a hair salon with four employees. She needed to talk to one of them about some issues at work, but she was putting it off because she was experiencing a great deal of anxiety over it…  Basically, she was AFRAID of how the employee might react.

I started, as I often do, with the question, “When you’re in this situation in the future, would you rather feel stressed and upset… or strong and confident?”

She smiled… It seems like such a silly question.

And yet, it goes right to the heart of the problem – almost any problem. She went along with it and responded, “Strong and confident”.

Then I asked her how she would like things to be instead. She had to reflect a little longer this time…

…Have you ever noticed how hard it is to see a positive outcome when you’re in the middle of a situation that triggers your stress?

She finally said, “I’d like to be able to discuss issues with my employees whenever they come up without feeling worried or stressed about it”, and she rated her Level of Stress as an 8 out of 10.

By the end of the session, Jill knew, from inside herself, EXACTLY what she was going to do about her situation. She went on to generate positive new ideas for creating a healthy working environment in the future – where issues could be discussed easily at regular weekly get-togethers.

Jill could hardly believe that she could feel so much better and resolve so much in just one hour!

I met with Jill three weeks later. She was the picture of poise and confidence.

Her employee meeting had gone beautifully! The issues had been resolved so easily that she was almost embarrassed to think of how she had created such unrealistic scenarios in her head purely out of worry and stress.

This is what I see ALL THE TIME! … see more success stories

Almost always, once a person eliminates their anger, fear and stress they AUTOMATICALLY become FAR more capable of dealing with their issue.

That was certainly true of Jill. I actually provided no information or ideas whatsoever about how to deal with her “difficult” employees!

Could My Methods Help YOU Resolve Your Difficult People Problem?

If I were to help you with this problem in my office in-person, it would cost you $200 per session and my waiting list is several months long. But because this method works so well, I wanted to find a way to help a lot more people.

So, I recorded my step-by-step method on a set of CDs so you can experience my voice guiding you through the entire process… just as though you were sitting with me in my office!

This step-by-step process is called, The Wellspring Method and it’s now available for you to resolve your problems with a difficult person or manage a stressful situation in your life right away!

This assertiveness training will help you to…

		Influence someone to change their annoying behavior while improving your relationship, not damaging it or making things worse,
		Generate calmness and understanding with someone who is angry,
		Promote healthy communication with people who are reserved, resistant or holding back,
		Remain calm and confident when dealing with someone who is argumentative or critical,
		Resolve conflicts constructively and creatively,
		Deal effectively with controlling people,
		Successfully address gossip, backstabbing, manipulative and disrespectful behavior,
		Turn your anxiety and stress into powerful confidence as you prepare for upcoming challenges or difficult situations,
		Deal with pushy, bossy or attacking behavior,
		Turn your frustration and anger into effective problem-solving.

The next time you’re facing your difficult situation or dealing with that difficult person, would you rather feel angry, stressed and frustrated or calm, strong and confident?

And, in which mental state do you think you’d be more successful when dealing with that person or situation in the future – frustrated and stressed, or strong and confident?

The Wellspring Method can do this for you, but it can also help you generate constructive ideas for dealing with your unique situation that are far more personal, specific and useful than any article you could read or advice you could receive.

Learn How To Turn Problems With People Into Successful Solutions!

Would you like to create a positive change with that stressful situation in your life?

What if you could see the difficult person in your life and NOT feel frustrated, anxious or stressed?

How much would it be worth to you if you could actually get them working WITH you instead of against you?

For less than the price of single coaching session you could be using my step-by-step problem-solving system to create the positive changes you want within the next few hours…

Take Charge and ORDER NOW! because the sooner you act, the sooner you’ll achieve the positive results you want.

… read more

Shrink in a Box

The Personal Success System that generates the confidence and assertiveness to transform your stressful situations into results you want! It's like having your own personal coach to help you succeed with the people and the stresses in your life! 3CDs, 1DVD, Resource Manual

Includes 5 Special Reports: 'Powerful Principles For Personal Success' Regular price $97. SPECIAL OFFER!...

“I have recently become a cleaning superviser in a shopping centre and I have 11 cleaners to supervise. My problem is the operations manager on site. Although my area manager knows of the problems we have with him she still seems to side with him. After one of my cleaners being [...]]]> Question From a Reader…

“I have recently become a cleaning superviser in a shopping centre and I have 11 cleaners to supervise. My problem is the operations manager on site. Although my area manager knows of the problems we have with him she still seems to side with him. After one of my cleaners being bullied by him yesterday I myself have approached him with the problem—HIM!

I told him that his aggressive attitude is not on and that I’m trying to build a good team for the site. I also brought to his attention I could not allow my cleaners to resign because of his actions. Although lots more was said and he asked what I thought I guess you can say I let him have it.

My question is DID I DO THE RIGHT THING?. I have been worried about it all day and feel I may of done the wrong thing. Although I have a strong personality and have a bad habit of calling a spade a spade I can’t afford to lose my job as I’m a single parent.

These problems always arise and our shopping centre goes through cleaners, security guards and office staff because of this bully. Although everyone has heard about our conversation (as you can imagine the gossip that goes around a shopping centre), I chose the position as superviser to better my skills so I don’t want to quit yet. I will look forward to your response and hopes it helps me.

- Pat”

My Response…
Hello Pat,
In response to your question, I have a few thoughts. The way you handled it was in the right direction in that you had the courage to stand up to him assertively, but there’s more you could do to improve on this. …see how to be assertive

First, while being strong and assertive and calling him on his behavior is good, losing your temper is not. When you “let him have it” it sounds like you may have become really angry at him. I have found that negative emotions always lead to negative actions and produce negative results.

Whereas approaching the situation with strength, calmness and confidence (positive emotions) would produce effective actions and positive results. So, in other words, being confident and assertive will always work better than “losing it” with someone.

Secondly, keep in mind that your goal is to produce positive behavior in the other person. So, while you would assertively and confidently call him on his behavior each and every time it happens, you would also encourage him to deal with the issue more appropriately next time and then compliment him or acknowledge his effort when he does.

Usually, single big confrontations don’t work as well as consistent influencing over time. Overall, you want to make his angry aggressive behavior become more of a problem for him and make dealing with people calmly and appropriately become something that feels more desirable to him.

Best of luck!

Mark Lauderdale MD FRCPC

Pat’s Reply…

“Thank you for your quick reply and I thought I would give you a quick update with what has been going on at work since then. After speaking to our difficult operations manager about certain issues regarding his attitude things just recently have been alot better.

He has been helping us cleaners with certain duties at work, he seems to listen to me on a daily basis and has actually started to smile. He even is going to speak to the cleaners area manager to get them to pay for fire training sessions.

As you can imagine gossip gets around shopping centres and everyone says “Good on ya Pat”. No one can guarantee that his behaviour will be this way from now on but us cleaners are going to lap it up while the goings good.

I truly appreciate your advice and remember every bit of useful information will help this training supervisor. I told the operations manager I will give the position a good go and that every day I leave taking home a bit more knowledge.

THANKS HEAPS!
- Pat”

A Few Weeks Later…

“You are welcome to use whatever information that you want on your web site. I appreciate your advice and still at this stage our relationship with our operations manager is still going great. Although he has his days, he is 100% better!

- Pat”

Why not maximize YOUR chances of success and get my ShrinkinaBox Assertiveness Training System, which will give you many more ideas, insights and tools for dealing with difficult people confidently, assertively and effectively.

Live Powerfully!
Dr Mark

Mark Lauderdale MD FRCPC
Psychiatrist and Personal Effectiveness Coach

“I work with a person who is very abrasive and refuses to return telephone calls and emails. My job is providing technical support to an area of which they manage. With no feedback and interaction my job becomes very difficult. How would you propose handling this type of personality?”

My Response… [...]]]> Question From a Reader…

“I work with a person who is very abrasive and refuses to return telephone calls and emails. My job is providing technical support to an area of which they manage. With no feedback and interaction my job becomes very difficult. How would you propose handling this type of personality?”

My Response…

The problem behavior is that he is not communicating with you and you therefore don’t have the information you need to do your job. Your goal is to get this communication happening, preferably respectful communication.

The easiest way of making his behavior become a problem for him would be to inform him that you have to temporarily suspend technical support until a satisfactory line of communication can be established.

Explain what you need (for example, regular reporting to learn of any technical issues, respectful collaboration when solutions are being tested, answers to questions, etc.)

If you don’t get a response, just wait for the next technical problem to arise and instead of fixing it, direct anyone concerned to that manager. Also, email him again to say that you are available to resolve the communication issue first before the technical problem can be addressed.

I realize you may need a dose of courage to do this.

For this you can use the Wellspring Method that I developed in my practice for dealing with difficult people and stressful situations like this.

You may need to get your supervisor on board with this idea first. Do that if you need to. Point out that you are purposely allowing a problem to develop in order to achieve an essential line of communication that is needed in order for your department to do its job.

I think you should hold out for a face to face meeting with the manager in question and don’t give in until you are happy with the plan that the two of you put into place along with the appropriate collaborative attitude you are looking for.

It may be that this manager is simply too busy and overloaded with other responsibilities. You could then suggest that he delegate an appropriate person to communicate with you around the technical stuff.

It would probably be wise to mentally rehearse this whole scenario a few times with the Wellspring Method in order to work out in your mind how you are going to handle things and gain the assertiveness skills and confidence you need for it.

If the line of communication breaks down again, provide a warning that service is about to cease again and ask for another meeting to create a BETTER plan because the last one didn’t work well enough.

Live Powerfully!
Dr Mark

Mark Lauderdale MD FRCPC
Psychiatrist and Personal Effectiveness Coach