“I have a boss that has pretty much has been down my throat for just about everything! I have worked there for 4 months now, for example, she had given us a Christmas eating out and I had gotten there early with my husband and we waited and nobody showed up [...]]]> Question From a Reader…

“I have a boss that has pretty much has been down my throat for just about everything! I have worked there for 4 months now, for example, she had given us a Christmas eating out and I had gotten there early with my husband and we waited and nobody showed up so, we started ordering and started eating well, after we were all done eating, we had finally seen them in another area of the restaurant and we had paid for our meal because she never said she would. So, she paid us back.

To this day, she still brings that up that we didn’t call or looked for them. Also, Monday she yelled at me because I had to use white out on my papers that had to be handed in and she said she was tired of my papers looking like that and said she would take 5% of my pay check if it keeps up. And the papers that I had turned in that wasn’t perfect she had redone them, and forged my name on them! this has got to be illegal some how!

What would you do in this situation???

- Cindy”

My Response…
First, you need to become clear about your goal… the way you’d like things to be instead. I would suggest to you that your goal might be to teach your boss the value of providing constructive criticism (i.e., educational criticism) instead of destructive or demeaning criticism.

Go to her and say, “You are clearly not happy with the quality of my work. So, I’d like you to show me exactly what you want whenever you find something you’d like me to do differently. I’ll do my best to improve if you just show me constructively.”

Then, whenever she complains about something, calmly ask her to show you how she wants you to do it. Keep a personal record of each thing and what you did to improve (e.g. “I now make a point of using the whiteout so that it’s smooth and not lumpy” – just a silly example).

Then each week go to your boss with your list of things that she commented on and describe the positive steps you took to improve things.

This approach will demonstrate to your boss that you genuinely care about doing quality work, that you respect her and that you appreciate her constructive criticism.

If you persist with this approach over several weeks, she will respond by appreciating and respecting you more and will begin to see for herself that she is criticizing you way too much when she sees how big your list is every week.

My ebook, ‘Secrets of Dealing with Difficult People’, can provide you with more examples and principles for handling rude and controlling behavior. It will help you become more effective.

Of course, her excessive criticism will likely persist for awhile. So, to carry out such an approach you should use the Wellspring Method to be calm and assertive and not be triggered by her behavior.

…p.s. If your boss mentions the Christmas dinner again, just earnestly and sincerely ask her what you should do about it to make things right.

Live Powerfully!
Dr Mark

Mark Lauderdale MD FRCPC
Psychiatrist and Personal Effectiveness Coach

“I have recently become a cleaning superviser in a shopping centre and I have 11 cleaners to supervise. My problem is the operations manager on site. Although my area manager knows of the problems we have with him she still seems to side with him. After one of my cleaners being [...]]]> Question From a Reader…

“I have recently become a cleaning superviser in a shopping centre and I have 11 cleaners to supervise. My problem is the operations manager on site. Although my area manager knows of the problems we have with him she still seems to side with him. After one of my cleaners being bullied by him yesterday I myself have approached him with the problem—HIM!

I told him that his aggressive attitude is not on and that I’m trying to build a good team for the site. I also brought to his attention I could not allow my cleaners to resign because of his actions. Although lots more was said and he asked what I thought I guess you can say I let him have it.

My question is DID I DO THE RIGHT THING?. I have been worried about it all day and feel I may of done the wrong thing. Although I have a strong personality and have a bad habit of calling a spade a spade I can’t afford to lose my job as I’m a single parent.

These problems always arise and our shopping centre goes through cleaners, security guards and office staff because of this bully. Although everyone has heard about our conversation (as you can imagine the gossip that goes around a shopping centre), I chose the position as superviser to better my skills so I don’t want to quit yet. I will look forward to your response and hopes it helps me.

- Pat”

My Response…
Hello Pat,
In response to your question, I have a few thoughts. The way you handled it was in the right direction in that you had the courage to stand up to him assertively, but there’s more you could do to improve on this. …see how to be assertive

First, while being strong and assertive and calling him on his behavior is good, losing your temper is not. When you “let him have it” it sounds like you may have become really angry at him. I have found that negative emotions always lead to negative actions and produce negative results.

Whereas approaching the situation with strength, calmness and confidence (positive emotions) would produce effective actions and positive results. So, in other words, being confident and assertive will always work better than “losing it” with someone.

Secondly, keep in mind that your goal is to produce positive behavior in the other person. So, while you would assertively and confidently call him on his behavior each and every time it happens, you would also encourage him to deal with the issue more appropriately next time and then compliment him or acknowledge his effort when he does.

Usually, single big confrontations don’t work as well as consistent influencing over time. Overall, you want to make his angry aggressive behavior become more of a problem for him and make dealing with people calmly and appropriately become something that feels more desirable to him.

Best of luck!

Mark Lauderdale MD FRCPC

Pat’s Reply…

“Thank you for your quick reply and I thought I would give you a quick update with what has been going on at work since then. After speaking to our difficult operations manager about certain issues regarding his attitude things just recently have been alot better.

He has been helping us cleaners with certain duties at work, he seems to listen to me on a daily basis and has actually started to smile. He even is going to speak to the cleaners area manager to get them to pay for fire training sessions.

As you can imagine gossip gets around shopping centres and everyone says “Good on ya Pat”. No one can guarantee that his behaviour will be this way from now on but us cleaners are going to lap it up while the goings good.

I truly appreciate your advice and remember every bit of useful information will help this training supervisor. I told the operations manager I will give the position a good go and that every day I leave taking home a bit more knowledge.

THANKS HEAPS!
- Pat”

A Few Weeks Later…

“You are welcome to use whatever information that you want on your web site. I appreciate your advice and still at this stage our relationship with our operations manager is still going great. Although he has his days, he is 100% better!

- Pat”

Why not maximize YOUR chances of success and get my ShrinkinaBox Assertiveness Training System, which will give you many more ideas, insights and tools for dealing with difficult people confidently, assertively and effectively.

Live Powerfully!
Dr Mark

Mark Lauderdale MD FRCPC
Psychiatrist and Personal Effectiveness Coach