Have you ever had the BEST of intentions of addressing an issue with someone and yet, somehow things just went sideways into poor communication and a negative outcome?

If you think about your experiences with people at work or home…

The most successful people in business aren’t the ones who possess special skills or knowledge. They’re the ones who can confidently communicate with people and arouse in them a spirit of cooperation [...]]]> If there is ONE skill in life that guarantees success in life, it’s knowing how to be assertive, confident and effective with people.

The most successful people in business aren’t the ones who possess special skills or knowledge. They’re the ones who can confidently communicate with people and arouse in them a spirit of cooperation …whether it’s an employee, a boss, a coworker, a customer, a client in your business or a business partner.

You may want a better relationship or a less stressful work environment, but if you can’t resolve conflicts and issues with people successfully, you will never truly achieve the positive results you want.

You may have good ideas, but if you can’t enlist the support and willingness of others, those ideas aren’t going to be accepted or acted upon, no matter who you’re dealing with.

Good people skills produce good results… in any walk of life.

After years of experience I realized that the UNDERLYING TRUTH about why we have so much difficulty being successful when dealing with people and relationships is…

Your automatic unconscious reactions prevent you from being confident and assertive!

That’s right! I’ve learned that no matter how much information you have and no matter how much you know about dealing with people, if you try to deal with people while feeling even slightly angry, afraid, unhappy or stressed, you will always AUTOMATICALLY do the wrong thing!

If you say or do anything from a negative emotion, you will always have a negative outcome in the end …Even if you had good intentions in the first place!

The reason that people FEEL difficult to deal with is precisely because they trigger our negative emotions. In other words, they “push our buttons” …even momentarily.

When someone pushes our buttons they are touching a sensitive spot in us, which triggers a negative emotional reaction. The result is the “fight or flight response” – we either feel angry and annoyed at the person or we want to escape and avoid them.

We can also have a “freeze” response, which is often experienced as a momentary lack of confidence or an inability to be assertive.

These reactions are instinctual and automatic self-preservation responses, which are deeply programmed within your psyche.

Numerous psychological studies have shown that the stress emotions, such as anger, frustration, anxiety or fear, interfere with your performance. In other words, your negative emotions actually interfere with your ability to solve problems and your ability to show assertive behavior.

Most people can understand this when the emotion is extremely intense… Just think about “stage fright” and how it affects someone’s performance. But most people don’t realize that even BRIEF negative emotions cause us to be ineffective, too, by making us say and do things that we regret later.

But it gets even worse!

These momentary emotions cause you to say things that you wish you hadn’t said, or make impulsive decisions that you later regret.

Then, your negative reactions, even small ones, trigger negative emotions in the other person! And in the exact same way, the person you are dealing with reacts negatively as well.

It all develops into a nice little vicious cycle that I call, “The Difficult People Tango”.

Sound familiar? Watch for it. You’ll see it in the way people react to someone who is being difficult.

But you DON’T have to be caught in your automatic reactions any longer…and it all starts with this one simple concept!

There is a hidden source of power within you.

Within each of us there is a secret reserve of creativity, wisdom and power that can come to your aid, if you know how to tap into it.

I became aware of this phenomenon during my years of work using clinical hypnosis with my patients. It always amazed me to see the things that people were capable of doing in hypnosis… things they had NO IDEA could ever be possible!

This hidden power can also appear in times of crisis. For example, Bob, a friend of mine, fell off the ferry into the ocean without anyone seeing him.

Nearly drowning, he heard a calm clear voice speak to him, “300 strokes, Bob… 300 strokes”. Bob miraculously found reserves of strength from within to swim over 8 1/2 hours throughout the night until he was eventually rescued the next morning!

I experienced the phenomenon myself when I was struggling with a difficult relationship issue. Using a particular therapy technique on myself, I experienced a sudden change… a feeling of calm came over me… followed by a feeling of strength welling up from within!

I had discovered how to tap into my unconscious reservoir of strength and confidence in the face of a difficult interpersonal issue.

These sudden experiences of creativity, strength and confidence are what I call the “Wellspring Phenomenon”.

… learn how to use the Wellspring Phenomenon to enhance your success

Do you feel like this around someone in YOUR life?

• I am always made to feel SMALL or less important to them than I believe I should feel,
• I hate that they always need [...]]]> Here are some typical feelings and reactions that are signs that you are dealing with a narcissistic personality.

Do you feel like this around someone in YOUR life?

• I am always made to feel SMALL or less important to them than I believe I should feel,
• I hate that they always need to be right!
• I tend to feel inferior or less capable in my own life (even though I KNOW I am not),
• I get tired of hearing their ramblings about all of their accomplishment and successes in life,
• I feel down about my own accomplishments and successes,
• I tend to bounce between admiration for them and anger,
• I don’t want to treat them as good as I would like for fear of “adding” to their inflated sense of self worth,
• I hate the un-winnable discussions and arguments,
• I feel that I always take a back seat in their lives,
• I am also somewhat embarrassed to present this person to friends – because he/she can rub people the wrong way and make OTHERS feel bad about themselves too,
• Its just not FUN being in shadows of this person.

Who are we talking about when we say someone is a narcissist? When we speak of a narcissistic personality, we are often referring to someone who is extremely self-centered.

And when we’re around someone like that we usually have some kind of automatic emotional reaction to them. In other words, they “push your buttons”.

Narcissism Definition

The narcissist measures life in terms of achievement. They seem to believe that being “the best” or “better than others” is the way to feel good about themselves. Conversely, if they are NOT doing better than others they feel bad about themselves.

They do not seem to see the value in just having fun with someone, or in the enjoyment of an experience simply because the experience is enjoyable, or in the good feelings that come from taking an interest in others.

Here’s a simplified summary of Narcissistic Personality Disorder from the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual (DSM-IV-TR) of the American Psychiatric Association.

A narcissist…

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How Do You Deal With a Narcissist?

Unfortunately when a narcissist builds themselves up, it can automatically make us think that they are putting us down.

This can trigger a variety of negative emotions including anger, inferiority, anxiety, etc. The problem is that whenever you act on these negative feelings you will ALWAYS automatically say or do the wrong thing!

Therefore, as with most difficult people, the first step in dealing with the self-centered self-important narcissist is to prevent yourself from feeling put down or feeling inferior (i.e., “being triggered”) when you are with them.

How can you do this?

The best way is to stay focused on your own self-worth and realize that feeling good is ALWAYS the best plan. When I say “feeling good”, I don’t mean feeling “happy” with the other person’s behavior. I mean feeling strong, confident and positive about yourself, even when the other person is behaving poorly.

In other words, train yourself to handle narcissistic behavior without taking it personally.

That means that you don’t allow the narcissist to trigger negative judgments about yourself and that you view their behavior simply as a sign of insecurity or immaturity.

Now I realize that this may be easier said than done, which is why I created the Wellspring Method and use it in my office every day with people who are facing stressful life situations or dealing with difficult people.

The fact is that when you are able to stay centered in your own good feelings and confidence, you will be in a much stronger position to positively INFLUENCE the narcissist and perhaps create a change in their behavior… at least whenever they are around YOU.

How to Influence Narcissistic Behavior

Assuming that you have learned how not to be triggered by narcissistic behavior and you have shifted yourself into a positive emotional state, you can now begin to influence the narcissist towards more positive behavior.

You cannot change the narcissist’s whole personality, so don’t even try. This would be like trying to empty Lake Superior with a bucket!

You just want to target some piece of behavior that is problematic. After you influence that behavior you can target another behavior, and so on.

After targeting a specific negative behavior, become clear about the behavior you want them to be doing instead. Let’s say, for example, that you’d like your narcissist to be showing more of an interest in you and your thoughts and ideas.

One of the most powerful motivators known to mankind is that little stone in your shoe! So, let me describe how to use this principle to influence someone’s behavior.

A good way to deal with difficult behavior is to think of some way to make their behavior (the specific negative behavior you targeted) become more of a problem or a nuisance for THEM, so that the escape from that problem or nuisance is through the desirable behavior you want instead.

Ok, so if your goal is for them to show more of an interest in you, then don’t let them dominate the conversation. Take your turn to talk about what’s happening in YOUR life. Then, when the narcissist prematurely shifts the conversation away from you and onto themselves again, comment on it… “I notice that you’re not that interested in what I’m saying right now (i.e., my thoughts, ideas, experiences, difficulties, etc.)”

Now, here’s the secret. Make your comment without anger or annoyance or any other negative emotion. Since your goal is to head toward a better relationship, keep it positive and friendly. You’re simply creating a little bit of a problem for the narcissist who will find this mild criticism rather unsettling.

In order to create a genuine change in their behavior you should keep doing this consistently at every opportunity. You can use variations on that sentence. For example, “I thought you were more interested in what I was saying,” or “Did you want to hear more about my (experience, problem, life, etc.)?” or “Do you value my perspective on this subject?”

Allow the narcissist to feel a little uncomfortable, but then always graciously allow them to escape the discomfort by smiling or complimenting them when they DO invite you to continue with your story or whenever they do start showing more of an interest in your ideas (e.g., “Thanks for listening. I really enjoyed our conversation.”)

Creating targeted little nuisances like this over an extended period of time produces a much stronger influence than any big angry confrontation ever could.

Of course, there are many other specific behaviors that a narcissist might show, such as being rude or condescending, throwing a temper when things don’t go his or her way, becoming verbally abusive or being excessively controlling, but these behaviors can also be dealt with using the same principles, which are described in more detail in my ebook, ‘Secrets of Dealing with Difficult People’.

What Are the Benefits of Dealing With a Narcissist in Your Life?

		You’ll be able to talk with them and still keep your self-esteem intact,
		They will no longer “push your buttons” and make you feel less capable or inferior,
		You’ll be able to influence them to interact with you more appropriately instead of continuously bragging about their accomplishments,
		Your anger, annoyance or anxiety will stop being triggered as you focus on EFFECTIVE responses to their behavior,
		You’ll be able to help them see that your way of doing things can be just as right as theirs,
		You can train them to talk about themselves less and take more of an interest in you and what you have to say,
		You’ll be free to enjoy more of the positive things that this person has to offer,
		You will become an equal in the relationship instead of taking the back seat any longer.

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Learn How to Deal with a Narcissist and Win Back Your Self Worth!

For more information on dealing with narcissistic behavior, check out my book where you can learn all about my principles and strategies for dealing with difficult people successfully.
… Learn more on how to deal with difficult people.

Secrets of Dealing with Difficult People

Unlike other books, this 201-page book shows you a tested systematic method to help you calmly and confidently create the positive change you want when dealing with difficult people (available in eBook or Soft Cover).
                                  Price: $23

Mark Lauderdale MD FRCPC

ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Dr Lauderdale is a psychiatrist and personal effectiveness coach in private practice who has a special interest in helping people deal with stressful life situations and difficult people powerfully and effectively.

“I bought your book less than two weeks ago and am having a great respectful relationship with my wife’s daughter who was 15 when we first married. We went thru some tough years then became friends but after a bad marriage of her own which [...]]]> A Moving Story About a Resentful Father and His Step-Daughter

“I bought your book less than two weeks ago and am having a great respectful relationship with my wife’s daughter who was 15 when we first married. We went thru some tough years then became friends but after a bad marriage of her own which included some physical but mostly emotional abuse she was forced to move back in with us. I am not sure if it was her vulnerable mental state or my lack of understanding but we soon went from concenrned loved ones to resentful adversaries. We saw each other as evil plotters against the other. Nothing either of us did was right in the other’s mind.

I read your book and gained a better understanding of myself and my stepdaughter. I started out like most people would by doing a search for difficult people hoping someone could help me fix her. As I read your book it all seemed so simple and fell into place. I kept thinking why didn’t I realize this earlier. Well as you know I was stuck in the dificult people tango where there are no solutions.

I started out trying to help a difficult person and instead have brought myself to a new level of understanding of myself and my faults and a new ability to empathize with and respect not only my step daughter but all people I interact with on a daily basis.

I also realize that this early sucess is just a start and that by practicing the methods I have learned I can keep from backsliding into old and tired negtive behavior. I can’t change the past but I can build the the future. Thank you so much for the work you do.

‘Secrets of Dealing With Difficult People’: $27.97
An old friend and her one year old grandaughter: PRICELESS

- Bill”

…It’s hard to know what to add after a story like that. I guess the point is that changing the way you FEEL about people changes your reactions, which leads to results you might never expect!

All problems with people and difficult situations trigger some degree of emotional stress. But, how do you tell if your emotional reactions are adding to the problem?

To determine whether your emotional state is interfering with your handling of a situation, do the following:

1. Think of a stressful situation in your life (this may include a situation with a difficult person),

2. Now picture being in this problem situation again in the future,

3. Rate your level of negative emotion (0 to 10: 10 is the highest) if you were in the situation again,

4. Now ask yourself this…
“When you are faced with this difficult situation in the future, will you handle it better feeling angry, anxious or stressed… or calm, strong and confident?”

You will probably see that dealing with the situation feeling calm and confident would be much more likely to produce the result you want.

If your level of emotion was 4/10 or higher… then you should use an emotion clearing technique BEFORE you deal with your problem situation or difficult person.

By using the Wellspring Method personal effectiveness system you can clear up your stress and overcome your difficulty in a matter of days or weeks rather than months or years, which is exactly what happens when negative emotions drag you down and get in the way of your progress.

Here are a few examples of problem situations that might be creating emotional stress for you…

- getting results with a difficult person
- managing conflict
- neutralizing harassment or bullying
- dealing with someone’s ineffectiveness or laziness
- doing presentations confidently
- being confident and relaxed in social situations
- coping with pressures, changes and other stresses in the workplace
- managing children and teenagers calmly and effectively
- overcoming worries and fears of any kind
- communicating more effectively with your spouse, coworker or customer
- resolving the internal conflict associated with stressful life situations…

…In fact, the list of difficult situations in life that trigger some degree of stress or anxiety is endless! But, if you think about it, you’ll handle ANY situation better if you’re feeling strong and confident.

Many people don’t realize just HOW MANY problems the Wellspring Method can help you solve, especially when I guide you through the process with the Everyday Power CDs.

As you listen to these CDs, it’s like you’re working with me in my office. I’ll lead you through the steps… you’ll envision your goal, you’ll tap into your experiences of strength and success, you’ll mentally rehearsal your challenging situation until you discover ways of dealing with it better and so on.

You’ll frequently pause the CD to write notes about your observations and your new insights.

By the end of the program, you’ll feel strong and powerful… and you’ll KNOW what to do.

Get the entire Wellspring Method on CDs and turn your conflicts into cooperation.

Live Powerfully!
Dr Lauderdale