How to Deal Effectively with Difficult People, Coworkers, Bosses, Employees and Relationships...

 

Expert Strategies For
Dealing With Difficult People

By: Mark Lauderdale MD FRCPC

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Dealing with difficult people can seem like the LAST thing you’d ever want to do in your life …and yet, it doesn’t have to be that way.

It IS possible to create a positive change in your relationship with another person, whether difficult or not.

The main problem is that the difficult person is behaving in some kind of socially inappropriate way – harassing, bullying, controlling, backstabbing, gossiping, complaining, being rude, unmotivated, uncooperative, negative, etc, etc.

Of course, in a brief article such as this it’s impossible for me to tell you EXACTLY what to do about each kind of difficult behavior for each SPECIFIC situation.

However, there are a few general principles that are essential when dealing with difficult behavior of ANY kind.

First, Target the Specific Problem Behavior

  

It’s pointless trying to categorize difficult people into “difficult personality types”. No one is EVER going to fit ANY category perfectly.

Furthermore, you can’t change someone’s basic personality, so why bother categorizing them in the first place!?

It’s much more useful to target the SPECIFIC behavior that is bothering you. You will need to refrain from the temptation to see the person as “all bad” or “hopeless” in order to do this.

If a person is difficult because they criticize you a lot, or because the volume of their voice is too loud when they talk to you, or because they don’t respond to your requests, then target these behaviors.

Be VERY specific …and decide that it is possible for them to learn how to behave differently!

  

Next, Be Clear About Your Goal
  

This is where most people go wrong right off the bat! Most people never even formulate an outcome goal …or they think of it in overly simple terms such as, “I want them to stop behaving that way!”

It works far better to take a few moments to become clear about the way you want things to be instead. In other words, what behavior do you want the other person to be showing instead – providing helpful suggestions instead of criticism, talking in a softer more patient way instead of raising their voice, responding to your requests instead of ignoring you, collaborating instead of bullying, and so on.

Now, you’ve got something to shoot for – a tangible positive goal to create in your relationship. Furthermore, you’ll KNOW when you’ve achieved it.

Some people have been reluctant to set a goal like this. They say, “I can’t change someone”. It’s true that you cannot change someone’s basic personality and it’s also true that you can’t CONTROL another person.

…But you CAN influence them. And you will stand the best chance of influencing them if you have a positive outcome in mind that will benefit them as well as you – a positive goal. Examples of goals for dealing with difficult people

Eliminate Your Negative Emotions
  

You cannot produce a positive change from a negative place. I can’t overestimate the importance of this step.

When you react to a person’s difficult behavior out of anger, frustration, anxiety or fear, etc. you will ALWAYS do the wrong thing …automatically!

It’s the way our brains are built. If you have negative feelings, you will do negative things …and you will just make things worse.

You’ll engage the other person in a fight, or you’ll give up on a fixable situation prematurely, or you’ll do something for which you’ll suffer consequences later.

I have developed a personal empowerment method over the years that is very effective for transforming a person’s negative emotional reactions and stress into a constructive positive emotional state when dealing with difficult people, but the basic concept is…

Change your anger, frustration, anxiety or any other negative emotion into positive feelings of strength, calmness and determination to make things better. Learn more about using the Wellspring Method to deal with difficult people successfully

90% of human interaction is nonverbal. That means that HOW you say something is more important than WHAT you say!

If your emotional state is positive, you will AUTOMATICALLY say it the right way.

Create a Learning Experience to Motivate the Other Person to Change
  

Assuming you’ve done the previous steps adequately, you’re ready to sit down and brainstorm ways of influencing the behavior you’ve targeted.

Most people try to shut it down the problem behavior right away. Big Mistake! The other person will just resist, so give up the idea of trying to stop it cold.

Instead, think about modifying it, influencing it. Think of something you can consistently do, or some way of changing the circumstances, so that the behavior becomes more of a problem for THEM.

...And furthermore, that the escape from the nuisance or problem you’ve created is through the desired behavior you want instead (your goal).

For example, every time the person criticizes you, you can calmly and in an educational way, remind them that criticism won’t get them what they want from you, but that helpful suggestions probably will.

Or, if a person raises their voice, you emphasize calmly yet firmly that you can’t hear what they’re trying to say when they talk so loud (and happily proceed with the conversation once they modify their volume).

You’ll have to be patient and persistent and create the nuisance every time they engage in the target behavior.

Over time, especially if you maintain a respectful positive attitude towards the person, even when they become annoyed with you, and you clearly point to a resolution through the desired behavior, you will start to see the positive change you want.

You can find more details on using this and other approaches to influence the behavior of difficult people in my e-book, “Secrets of Dealing with Difficult People”.

Reinforce the Positive Change
  

As soon as the other person starts to modify their behavior for the better, reinforce it. Don’t say negative things like, “You should have been doing this all along” or “It’s about time”.

How hard would it be for YOU to change a bad habit?

Be glad to see even minor improvements and let them know that you are surprised and impressed that they were willing to make a change for you.

Without positive reinforcement you risk returning to square one if the other person becomes disillusioned with you and resorts to their favorite old behavior pattern once again.

As you can probably imagine, I’ve spent years trying to help others manage their emotions constructively and I've learned a great deal about being effective with difficult people.

I’ve spent a lot of time observing and learning from experts (in medicine, in psychology and in business) who could handle difficult people beautifully and even make it look easy.

But I’ve also come across strategies along the way that were totally USELESS in the REAL world for dealing with people.

After working with people for over 20 years I realized that being successful with people does not come from having a bag of tricks or tips or techniques to use with “this type of person” or “that type of problem”.

What resulted in me having great success in dealing with difficult people of all kinds was learning how to make a shift in my "inner reality" first …and THEN creating positive change from this new way of seeing things.

In my eBook “Secrets of Dealing with Difficult People”, I go into detail teaching you this very special perspective and understanding.

I even describe a step-by-step process that I call 'The Wellspring Method' that helps you shift out of your old way of thinking and into a new awareness and attitude that generates phenomenal results with people.

It’s like having x-ray vision while everyone else fumbles around in the dark!

I highly recommend that you read it. It has tons of useful concepts that will help you approach people with confidence, know what to say and bring out the best in others to achieve the kind of satisfying workplace and successful relationships you want.

You can sign-up now and be flipping through the pages on your computer in a matter a minutes…

Here's the Table of Contents...

Secrets of Dealing with Difficult People
Table of Contents

Part 1: The Key to Understanding Difficult People
Chapter 1: How Difficult People Control You
Chapter 2: How Difficult People Push Your Buttons

Part 2: Feeling Good First… The Wellspring Method
Chapter 3: How to Target the Problem Behavior
Chapter 4: How to Get Clear About What You Want
Chapter 5: How to Stay Calm and Be Confident
Chapter 6: How to Think Through Your Plan

Part 3: Creating Change with Difficult Coworkers, Bosses, Employees, Clients & Relationships
Chapter 7: Your Decision to Create Change
Chapter 8: Things You Should Never Do
Chapter 9: Essential First Steps
Chapter 10: How to Handle Conflict, Complaints, Verbal Abuse and

                 Noncollaboration
Chapter 11: How to Deal with Bullying, Harassment, Gossip, Office Politics

                 and Controlling People