Learn How to Deal with Difficult People Effectively...

 

Here Are The Answers To
Your Difficult People Quiz...

If you’re like most people, dealing with a difficult person can be a very frustrating and annoying problem. You may feel intimidated by them or simply frustrated by their lack of cooperation.

Often the thought of talking to a difficult person about their behavior can produce a great deal of anxiety and stress, and even cause you to lose precious sleep.

Do you ever feel that you don’t know what to say or what to do if the difficult person simply refuses to respond to your concerns? Or, that they might overreact and become more intimidating, take offence or leave?

These are problems that many people have, both at work and at home, but very few know how to actually solve.

The good news is that you CAN learn to be more successful dealing with difficult people (in fact, to be more successful dealing with ALL people), freeing yourself to move forward rapidly in your career and in your life.

1. A boss or supervisor angrily criticizes you in a condescending manner because you didn’t do something “correctly” (i.e., the way they wanted). You realize you could have done the task differently if you had been given the proper instructions and you’re uncomfortable with their angry intimidating approach. How do you respond?

	A.	Get mad and emphatically tell them that you don’t appreciate being spoken to so rudely and then tell them to please stop.
	B.	Do nothing at first. Complain about them later to your friends or coworkers. Consider filing a grievance against them with the higher management.
	C.	Talk to them and try to get them to see how they contributed to the problem. Tell them calmly, “It’s not fair to get angry at me when you didn’t give me the proper instructions in the first place!”
	D.	Say, “If you get angry and rude I’ll probably get flustered and make more mistakes, but if you can be patient and respectful I’ll do my best. Which would you prefer?”

The Answer:
Talking to the difficult person (as in C) is not a bad way to start, but if they are truly difficult, then talking to them can easily fail if you’re not really clear about the specific behavior you want them to change and what’s in it for them to cooperate with you.

In the case of C, voicing your objection and criticizing them back (in a nice way) will just lead to an argument over what’s fair and what the proper instructions were, etc. Instead of seeing things your way (the “right” way), they’ll probably entrench themselves further in THEIR point of view – that you are incompetent.

Perhaps you don’t do anything at first (as in B), which may be a very reasonable thing to do. However, if that’s ALL you do and you just stew about it you’ll just lose sleep and stress yourself out. Nothing will change.

Similarly, seeking advice from your friends very often goes nowhere (at least, nowhere constructive) because so often we talk about things only in general, usually indignant, terms.

And the truth may be that you are actually more interested in receiving sympathy or moral support than you are on actually solving the problem.

You may think that getting mad is the solution (A) – that you have to be angry in order to have a powerful effect. I personally don’t believe this is true. While being “nice” obviously won’t work in many situations, I think it is possible to be strong, assertive and impactful WITHOUT being angry. Getting mad usually just results in a battle with no positive outcome.

The best answer is D. When you calmly and clearly outline what’s in it for the other person to behave respectfully… and what’s NOT in it for them by being rude… you let them maintain a sense of control and the opportunity to get the results they REALLY want.

Either option they choose will lead to the result you want. If they choose to be respectful, you will purposely do your best for them. If they obstinately choose to continue their rudeness, then you have permission to be flustered and make more mistakes. If they get upset with you again, point out that their angry rudeness DID make you flustered. Then, give them the same choice again.

2. A friend or coworker has the annoying habit of always interrupting you in mid-sentence and talking over you. You feel angry because they are constantly controlling conversations in this manner. How do you bring up the issue with them?

	A.	Wait for just the right moment when they interrupt you again and shout, “Stop interrupting me! That’s so rude!”
	B.	When they interrupt you comment in a light-hearted tone of voice, “I can’t help but notice that you’re interrupting me again. Are you worried about what I might have to say?”
	C.	Just avoid the person and find other friends who can communicate better.
	D.	Just accept the situation let them do all the talking. Eventually, they’ll become more interested in what you have to say.

The Answer:
Both C and D are expressions of powerlessness and both are simply ways to avoid dealing with a situation. D usually leads to C anyway. If your main pattern is avoidance and you come across a situation that you can't escape, you’ll eventually have a blowup or a meltdown.

We ALL have bad habits of one kind or another. It seems like such a waste of time and energy to stress out and condemn someone’s annoying behavior (as in A), or worse, abandon the relationship without ever giving the other person the opportunity to respond constructively!

Keeping things light-hearted and joking with a person about their habit is a good way of bringing their attention to it without making them feel judged or arousing resentment in them.

Be aware, though, that habits NEVER change immediately – that’s why they’re habits! So, to genuinely help the other person establish a new pattern be prepared to repeat your light-hearted reminders as long as it takes.

For example, when you say something, you might stop in mid-sentence and say, “This is where you’re supposed to interrupt me…!” and smile with an inquiring look.

If they signal for you to continue, then continue until you’re near the end of your thought or you see that they want to say something. Then, invite them to interrupt again. Do this repeatedly over several conversations until a change occurs. Make it playful and even tease them about it. This approach can be used to address many kinds of bad habits.

3. You are a team leader and one of the members of your team often does not show up for meetings despite frequent reminders and yet you are accountable for the work they perform. How do you deal with their irresponsible attitude?

	A.	Meet with the person and explain that they are expected to attend meetings even if it seems like a waste of time to them.
	B.	Approach them and say, “I can’t help but notice that you weren’t at the meeting. Is there a problem?”
	C.	Talk to the employee and explain that since they didn’t come to the meeting you assumed they were on top of things and would be OK with whatever was decided. Since there was an extra piece of work that no one else felt they could take on, you decided that it would be OK to pass it to them.
	D.	Tell them that their irresponsible attitude reflects on the entire team and that you all have to work together.

The Answer:
It’s very tempting for employers or supervisors to tell their subordinates that they “have to” do something, as in answers A and D. I guess it’s understandable because most people were taught this approach by their parents as they were growing up.

However, telling people they “have to” do things is usually a good way of inviting resistance to the idea. The human race is filled with examples of people refusing to accept the restrictions placed on them by other people, by unfair practices, by disabilities, by race and by other life circumstances.

Telling someone they “have to” comply is like waving a red flag or drawing a battle line.

Both B and C are better because they approach the employee with the attitude that they are a responsible human being. By interpreting their behavior in this positive way, you avoid a battle of wills and you step over to their side of the fence.

The approach of B may work if the employee has only missed one or two meetings. It would let them know that they were missed and that their absence was noticeable enough for you to talk to them about it.

However, response C is clearly better for addressing a difficult behavior pattern. It credits the person with “being on top of things” and leads to the natural consequence of having decisions made for them when they don’t show up to give their input. Now, they’ve created a bigger problem for themselves.

If there is some underlying issue, such as feeling overworked or not liking the way the meetings are being run, they’ll show signs of being stressed, which will give you the opportunity to inquire about what is really bothering them.

4. A coworker is saying negative things about you behind your back and seems to be trying to undermine your position. You think they want to take over your job or get you fired. What do you do?

	A.	Confront them by making it clear that you are onto them and that if they want a fight then they’ve got one.
	B.	Complain to the management about this person’s manipulative behavior and give them detailed examples.
	C.	Talk to other people in your workplace in order to get them to see what’s happening and enlist their support.
	D.	Talk to people in your workplace and explain that you know the person is saying negative things about you, but you sympathize and understand because they obviously must find it hard to be up front about issues of concern to them.

The Answer:
Something most people almost NEVER do is to take the time to imagine the way they’d like the other person to behave instead – i.e., establishing a positive outcome goal.

This is NOT the same as saying, “I want them to stop doing what they are doing”. Wanting something to disappear is not a practical goal because there’s no telling what you’re going to end up with!

It’s like saying, “I want to get rid of the weeds in that bare space in the garden.” If that’s all you do, then you’ll probably eventually end up with…. more weeds! Instead, take the time to visualize what you want – such as flowers and shrubs and ground cover.

With a difficult person, visualize the positive behavior that you’d like to see in the place of the problem behavior.

Answers A, B and C all maintain the negative point of view of the person being “a gossiper” or “a backstabber” and no positive outcome goal of any kind has been identified. The result can only be conflict because this is the unstated goal that has been created by default without stopping to think it through.

Only approach D opens up the possibility of a positive outcome. A person would probably only say something like this if they already had visualized a positive outcome in their mind.

By expressing your understanding of their human mistakes you enlist the admiration of the listener and when you comment on the obviously healthy way of dealing with issues “up front” you automatically point the way to a positive desirable outcome.

You could then follow this by saying, “I think that it would be most helpful to (the person in question) if everyone encouraged them to speak directly to me about their issue. What do you think?”

5. When dealing with someone who frequently complains and usually has a negative attitude (i.e., they usually complain about what is wrong rather than appreciating what’s going right), what do you do?

	A.	Say something like, “Oh, put a sock in it! Quit being such a complainer!”
	B.	When they complain about something join in and add your own criticism or complaint about the thing they are complaining about. Then suggest that they talk to the person or write a letter to the body responsible for addressing the issue.
	C.	Just sigh and try to change the topic and accept that they’ll never change.
	D.	Say, “Things just aren’t going right for you today.” Then, the next time say, “Things just aren’t going well for you today are they?” Then, the next time, “Boy things just aren’t going your way, are they” and the next time, “Things are still not going very well. Do you want any help?”

The Answer:
Thinking that people will never change or CAN’T change (as in C) is just a way of doing what the complainer is doing – adopting a victim attitude. It’s easier to complain about the complainer (or any other difficult person) than it is to do the work of creating a positive change.

It’s true that you can’t CONTROL someone and MAKE them change as you would mould a piece of clay. However, if you use this idea to avoid dealing with someone, you’re in trouble. This is because you are simply handing over control to the other person and it will be the luck of the draw as to how things turn out for you.

What you CAN do is to INFLUENCE them. In fact, this is what people are doing in their interactions with other people all the time!

Option A is nothing more than complaining ...to the complainer …who will now have a reason to complain about you.

B and D could both work. With D the complainer may say to themselves after several expressions of your concern, “Gee, I must be sounding pretty unhappy. Maybe I should change my tune.”

Option B, however, nails it on the head. The complainer wants the easy way – to complain and not actually DO anything. When you join them and suggest that they do something that resembles work or responsibility, they’ll take their complaining elsewhere …to someone who will just listen.

6. When the difficult person you are currently dealing with is being difficult, do you usually…

	A.	Feel angry, annoyed or frustrated?
	B.	Feel nervous, worried or afraid?
	C.	Feel overwhelmed or stressed?
	D.	Feel calm and confident?

The Answer:
Perhaps the biggest thing to be aware of right from the start is that the way people “feel” is usually at the core of the problem. When people are feeling angry, afraid or stressed they often become difficult to deal with. In other words, negative emotions lead to negative behavior.

The second most important thing to recognize is that difficult people often trigger negative emotions in us (they push our buttons). Your anger, anxiety and stress may cause you to react with negative behavior that can easily worsen your situation.

Your emotions cause you to behave this way AUTOMATICALLY and UNCONSCIOUSLY. If you are feeling angry, frustrated, hurt, upset, worried, afraid, stressed, etc. you will ALWAYS automatically do or say the WRONG thing.

If you are feeling angry, annoyed or frustrated you will have an automatic tendency to go on the ATTACK.

If you are feeling anxious, worried or scared you will usually AVOID.

If you are feeling overwhelmed and stressed you will become FROZEN or STUCK.

When you are dealing with a difficult person, or ANY problem for that matter, it always works far better to come at it from a POSITIVE emotional state such as calmness, strength or confidence (or humor, or understanding, or compassion, etc. etc.)

7. How intense are your negative emotions in this situation on a scale of 0 to 10 with 10 being the most intense? (i.e., frustration, anxiety, anger, hurt, stress, etc)…

	A.	0-3/10
	B.	4-6/10
	C.	7-10/10

The Answer:
If you answered in the A range, it indicates that you feel fairly calm inside. Your perspective on things is not too distorted and your response to the situation can be rational and constructive. You are probably capable of purposely maintaining a positive feeling state when you deal with the difficult person.

If you answered in the B range, the difficult person is a thorn in your side. You would be wise to spend some time de-stressing and changing your emotional state before attempting to address the problem.

If you answered in the C range, the person is definitely “pushing your buttons”. Your own emotional reaction is probably distorting your perceptions of the situation making it seem worse than it is and causing you to make many of the mistakes described previously (even when you try not to).

In this emotional state, solutions are difficult to see and even harder to carry out. You would definitely benefit from using a step-by-step guided process to help you desensitize, release your negative emotions and free yourself from the limiting effect of your negative reactions.

As you can probably imagine, I’ve spent years trying to help others manage their emotions constructively and I've learned a great deal about being effective with difficult people.

I’ve spent a lot of time observing and learning from experts (in medicine, in psychology and in business) who could handle difficult people beautifully and even make it look easy.

But I’ve also come across strategies along the way that were totally USELESS in the REAL world for dealing with people.

After working with people for over 20 years I realized that being successful with people does not come from having a bag of tricks or tips or techniques to use with “this type of person” or “that type of problem”.

What resulted in me having great success in dealing with difficult people of all kinds was learning how to make a shift in my "inner reality" first …and THEN creating positive change from this new way of seeing things.

In my eBook “Secrets of Dealing with Difficult People”, I go into detail teaching you this very special perspective and understanding.

I even describe a step-by-step process that I call 'The Wellspring Method' that helps you shift out of your old way of thinking and into a new awareness and attitude that generates phenomenal results with people.

It’s like having x-ray vision while everyone else fumbles around in the dark!

I highly recommend that you read it. It has tons of useful concepts that will help you approach people with confidence, know what to say and bring out the best in others to achieve the kind of satisfying workplace and successful relationships you want.

You can sign-up now and be flipping through it on your computer screen in a matter a minutes…

Here's the Table of Contents...

Secrets of Dealing with Difficult People
Table of Contents

Part 1: The Key to Understanding Difficult People
Chapter 1: How Difficult People Control You
Chapter 2: How Difficult People Push Your Buttons

Part 2: Feeling Good First… The Wellspring Method
Chapter 3: How to Target the Problem Behavior
Chapter 4: How to Get Clear About What You Want
Chapter 5: How to Stay Calm and Be Confident
Chapter 6: How to Think Through Your Plan

Part 3: Creating Change with Difficult Coworkers, Bosses, Employees, Clients & Relationships
Chapter 7: Your Decision to Create Change
Chapter 8: Things You Should Never Do
Chapter 9: Essential First Steps
Chapter 10: How to Handle Conflict, Complaints, Verbal Abuse and

               Noncollaboration
Chapter 11: How to Deal with Bullying, Harassment, Gossip, Office Politics

               and Controlling People