Instead, take it a step further and actually CHANGE the way you feel and react! You’ll find that it makes a HUGE difference.

Here’s why…

By now you’ve probably read about the “Difficult People Tango” that I describe in Chapter 1 of “Secrets of Dealing with Difficult People”.

I’d like you to be aware of just how often these negative cycles can occur when you’re interacting with people (and not just difficult people).

Every time you have an argument with someone, even a minor one, or get mad at someone, you are experiencing the Difficult People Tango.

Each time you feel irritated by the same person more than three times in a week, even if you don’t say anything to them, you are probably experiencing the Difficult People Tango.

In fact, the Difficult People Tango can even take place inside our heads! Do you ever lay awake at night replaying a negative situation with someone and feeling your emotions getting triggered all over again?!

These negative interactional patterns all have one thing in common: Your negative emotions (i.e., anxiety, frustration, anger, feeling stressed, etc.) are being TRIGGERED by something that the other person is saying or doing – by some specific type of behavior of theirs…

…and without realizing it, your reaction (produced by your emotions) is very likely triggering some kind of negative reaction in them as well – even if your behavior is as minor as “just avoiding” them or being “cool” towards them.

The Difficult People Tango often takes place unconsciously, outside of our awareness. But you can become more aware of it simply by observing your emotional reactions to people.

When you feel anxious, or irritated, or stressed by someone, just make a mental note of it and then try to figure out EXACTLY what the other person is doing that it triggering these feelings in you.

Now, it’s very likely that your natural inclination will be to immediately try to get the other person to stop doing the thing that is triggering you …but that’s NOT the place to start. In fact, that’s the way to fail.

The place to start is with the Wellspring Method, which I’ve described for you in detail in the book.

What you should be aware of, however, is that I originally developed the Wellspring Method as an interactional coaching system in my office.

In other words, if you were here with me in my office, I’d be leading you through a series of steps and exercises that would help you shift out of your triggered negative emotions into a state of strength, confidence and calmness as you pictured dealing with the difficult person.

I encourage you to go ahead and use the guided Wellspring Method online and become even better at dealing with difficult people and stressful situations in your life.

Live Powerfully!
Dr Lauderdale

Take this quiz and find out!

And if you tried to give them a helpful suggestion for their problem, they just shot it down with a million reasons why it wouldn’t work? Or, perhaps they simply negated your idea by flatly stating, “I tried that.”

How can you succeed with negative people like this?

I worked with a single mother who complained loudly and bitterly about her 9-year-old daughter. It’s true that her daughter was a handful, but her mother was decidedly more interested in reporting how bad things were than finding a solution.

She repeatedly fumed in helpless exasperation, “I can’t handle her. SHE WON’T LISTEN!” Furthermore, the idea of sending her daughter back to live with her father again was “totally unacceptable” and having her live in foster care was simply “unthinkable”.

Now, at this point it’s easy to get frustrated… but if you do, you’ll simply join the ranks of all those people who “didn’t understand” and “didn’t help” and the complainer has even MORE to complain about.

When I’m dealing with negative people I recognize that I can’t change someone’s fundamental personality. Someone who has had years of practice being a victim of life is not going to give this up in a few short encounters with me – in the same way that you can’t stop a river by wading in and trying to prevent it from flowing.

Therefore, I went WITH the flow and listened to her litany of complaints. I became very interested in hearing about ALL of the problems with her daughter’s behavior. I empathized, but instead of giving her suggestions right away I asked her to describe, in detail, what she had been doing in reaction to this behavior.

She said that her daughter repeatedly ignored her when she was asked to do things… or she would outright refuse. The mother explained how she would become angry and frustrated and just give up. She agreed that this approach wasn’t working.

At this point it would have been easy for me to give a solution, but I persisted, “If you keep on dealing with things this way over the next few months or YEARS, how do you think things are going to turn out?”

I had just given her MORE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT than she had ever really wanted… and she developed a painful expression on her face as she envisioned that terribly unhappy future.

NOW… I allowed her to escape from the uncomfortable situation that her complaining had created by asking the key question, “So, how would you like things to be instead?”

Now, she was motivated. Her desire to think of a positive goal had temporarily outweighed her usual desire to seek sympathy through her negativity.

She described the well-behaved child she would like to have and, with further inquiry, described the kind of positive and effective parent she would like to become.

I asked her if she would like my help to do that… and she said yes.

Within a matter of minutes she had moved from her negative attitude and pattern of complaining about her awful state of affairs to someone with a vision of a positive future who was entering into a working agreement to change things.

I have used this approach successfully to establish working relationships for many types of difficult and negative people …and it can work for you, too.

Learn more about dealing with difficult people successfully…

Live Powerfully!
Dr Lauderdale

And when we’re around someone like that we usually have some kind of automatic emotional reaction to them. In other words, they “push your buttons”.

Here are some typical feelings and reactions that are signs that you are dealing with a narcissistic personality.

Do you feel like this around someone in YOUR life?

• I am always made to feel SMALL or less important to them than I believe I should feel,
• I hate that they always need to right!
• I tend to feel inferior or less capable in my own life (even though I KNOW I am not),
• I get tired of hearing their ramblings about all of their accomplishment and successes in life,
• I feel down about my own accomplishments and successes,
• I tend to bounce between admiration for them and anger,
• I don’t want to treat them as good as I would like for fear of “adding” to their inflated sense of self worth,
• I hate the un-winnable discussions and arguments,
• I feel that I always take a back seat in their lives,
• I am also somewhat embarrassed to present this person to friends – because he/she can rub people the wrong way and make OTHERS feel bad about themselves too,
• Its just not FUN being in shadows of this person.

Narcissism Definition

The narcissist measures life in terms of achievement. They seem to believe that being “the best” or “better than others” is the way to feel good about themselves. Conversely, if they are NOT doing better than others they feel bad about themselves.

They do not seem to see the value in just having fun with someone, or in the enjoyment of an experience simply because the experience is enjoyable, or in the good feelings that come from taking an interest in others.

Here’s a simplified summary of Narcissistic Personality Disorder from the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual (DSM-IV-TR) of the American Psychiatric Association.

A narcissist…

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How Do You Deal With a Narcissist?

Unfortunately when a narcissist builds themselves up, it can automatically make us think that they are putting us down.

This can trigger a variety of negative emotions including anger, inferiority, anxiety, etc. The problem is that whenever you act on these negative feelings you will ALWAYS automatically say or do the wrong thing!

Therefore, as with most difficult people, the first step in dealing with the self-centered self-important narcissist is to prevent yourself from feeling put down or feeling inferior (i.e., “being triggered”) when you are with them.

How can you do this?

The best way is to stay focused on your own self-worth and realize that feeling good is ALWAYS the best plan. When I say “feeling good”, I don’t mean feeling “happy” with the other person’s behavior. I mean feeling strong, confident and positive about yourself, even when the other person is behaving poorly.

In other words, train yourself to handle narcissistic behavior without taking it personally.

That means that you don’t allow the narcissist to trigger negative judgments about yourself and that you view their behavior simply as a sign of insecurity or immaturity.

Now I realize that this may be easier said than done, which is why I created the Wellspring Method and use it in my office every day with people who are facing stressful life situations or dealing with difficult people.

The fact is that when you are able to stay centered in your own good feelings and confidence, you will be in a much stronger position to positively INFLUENCE the narcissist and perhaps create a change in their behavior… at least whenever they are around YOU.

How to Influence Narcissistic Behavior

Assuming that you have learned how not to be triggered by narcissistic behavior and you have shifted yourself into a positive emotional state, you can now begin to influence the narcissist towards more positive behavior.

You cannot change the narcissist’s whole personality, so don’t even try. This would be like trying to empty Lake Superior with a bucket!

You just want to target some piece of behavior that is problematic. After you influence that behavior you can target another behavior, and so on.

After targeting a specific negative behavior, become clear about the behavior you want them to be doing instead. Let’s say, for example, that you’d like your narcissist to be showing more of an interest in you and your thoughts and ideas.

One of the most powerful motivators known to mankind is that little stone in your shoe! So, let me describe how to use this principle to influence someone’s behavior.

A good way to deal with difficult behavior is to think of some way to make their behavior (the specific negative behavior you targeted) become more of a problem or a nuisance for THEM, so that the escape from that problem or nuisance is through the desirable behavior you want instead.

Ok, so if your goal is for them to show more of an interest in you, then don’t let them dominate the conversation. Take your turn to talk about what’s happening in YOUR life. Then, when the narcissist prematurely shifts the conversation away from you and onto themselves again, comment on it… “I notice that you’re not that interested in what I’m saying right now (i.e., my thoughts, ideas, experiences, difficulties, etc.)”

Now, here’s the secret. Make your comment without anger or annoyance or any other negative emotion. Since your goal is to head toward a better relationship, keep it positive and friendly. You’re simply creating a little bit of a problem for the narcissist who will find this mild criticism rather unsettling.

In order to create a genuine change in their behavior you should keep doing this consistently at every opportunity. You can use variations on that sentence. For example, “I thought you were more interested in what I was saying,” or “Did you want to hear more about my (experience, problem, life, etc.)?” or “Do you value my perspective on this subject?”

Allow the narcissist to feel a little uncomfortable, but then always graciously allow them to escape the discomfort by smiling or complimenting them when they DO invite you to continue with your story or whenever they do start showing more of an interest in your ideas (e.g., “Thanks for listening. I really enjoyed our conversation.”)

Creating targeted little nuisances like this over an extended period of time produces a much stronger influence than any big angry confrontation ever could.

Of course, there are many other specific behaviors that a narcissist might show, such as being rude or condescending, throwing a temper when things don’t go his or her way, becoming verbally abusive or being excessively controlling, but these behaviors can also be dealt with using the same principles, which are described in more detail in my ebook, ‘Secrets of Dealing with Difficult People’.

What Are the Benefits of Dealing With a Narcissist in Your Life?

		You’ll be able to talk with them and still keep your self-esteem intact,
		They will no longer “push your buttons” and make you feel less capable or inferior,
		You’ll be able to influence them to interact with you more appropriately instead of continuously bragging about their accomplishments,
		Your anger, annoyance or anxiety will stop being triggered as you focus on EFFECTIVE responses to their behavior,
		You’ll be able to help them see that your way of doing things can be just as right as theirs,
		You can train them to talk about themselves less and take more of an interest in you and what you have to say,
		You’ll be free to enjoy more of the positive things that this person has to offer,
		You will become an equal in the relationship instead of taking the back seat any longer.

.

Learn How to Deal with a Narcissist and Win Back Your Self Worth!

For more information on dealing with narcissistic behavior, check out my book where you can learn all about my principles and strategies for dealing with difficult people successfully…

Deal with a Narcissist and Other Difficult People Effectively

• Eliminate your frustration and stress,

• Make it impossible for someone to “push your buttons”,

• Gain cooperation from difficult people,

• Deal with negative behavior of all kinds,

• Succeed with people and problems in your workplace,

• Create dramatic positive changes in your relationships,

• Replace anxiety and uncertainty withstrength and confidence,

• Be a more effective problem solver when dealing with difficult people,

Click here now to order…
Secrets of Dealing With Difficult People:

…And Claim Your Bonuses Worth $49!

Live Powerfully!

Mark Lauderdale MD FRCPC

ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Dr Lauderdale is a psychiatrist and personal effectiveness coach in private practice who has a special interest in helping people deal with stressful life situations and difficult people powerfully and effectively.

Very often they would end with a question like, “How can I control my feelings when I’m around this person?” or, “How do I get power over my emotions in this situation?”

Question From a Reader…

“How do you maintain your composure when a person is being unrealistic in their behavior and their actions?”

My Response…

Your question is extremely important. You are rightly concerned about something I call, “The Difficult People Tango”. When a difficult person is being difficult their behavior often triggers a stress reaction in us – anger, annoyance, frustration, fear, anxiety, etc.

If we aren’t careful we may act on these negative feelings and then say or do negative things. In my experience, negative emotions ALWAYS produce negative actions and these negative actions almost always produce negative results.

So, you are quite right that maintaining your composure is valuable. But I would go further than that. Not only is maintaining your composure important, but it’s even better to feel strong and confident when dealing with a difficult person.

But your question was HOW to do that. There are a few key steps, which I explain in greater depth in my ebook, ‘Secrets of Dealing with Difficult People’.

(1) Target the problem behavior: Target the exact behavior you want to deal with. If there are several pick one at a time. (e.g., verbal abuse, complaining, refusing to cooperate, being abrasive, etc.)

(2) Identify your goal: Become clear about the way you want things to be instead. This could be as simple as wanting someone’s annoying behavior to not trigger you any more, or it could be as complicated as wanting to train someone to stop raising their voice and discuss matters in a calm and respectful way.

(3) Tap into your personal power: Think of an experience in your life that is associated with feeling strong and confident – some time in your life when you felt really good. Then close your eyes, remember this positive experience and blend these good feelings into a scenario with the difficult person. Visualize several episodes with this person blending in the good experience every time until you can feel yourself remaining calm and confident in the presence of the difficult person.

(4) Mentally rehearse dealing with the situation: Once you are feeling calmer and more confident, continue to mentally rehearse scenarios of dealing with this person’s difficult behavior. Imagine dealing with them in all sorts of ways – good, bad or ugly – and play it forward so you can see the probable effect of your actions.

This has a cleansing effect because you’ll see for yourself the negative effects of your negative actions. Your mind will then become more creative and also open to good ideas. This is when you’ll be most able to make constructive use of advice or ideas in books or tapes.

In my book, “Secrets of Dealing with Difficult People”, I gave you some coping strategies that you can use. However, I’ve learned that simply giving strategies to someone is NOT the same as actually giving them control over their emotions.

In other words, giving advice to someone may be interesting and useful to some extent, but to produce an ACTUAL change in the way a person is FEELING requires something more than that.

In my office I rarely give advice any more. It just doesn’t produce much in the way of genuine positive change.

What I do instead is to empower people – to give them a feeling of strength and confidence when facing the problem person or situation …and when THAT happens they usually find that they ALREADY KNOW what to do.

Now, here’s MY problem… Most people on the internet are searching for “information” or “advice” on dealing with difficult people, which is why I wrote the ebook, but I KNOW that what they REALLY need is a “shift in their emotional state” into their PERSONAL POWER!

If you would like me to guide you step-by-step into YOUR personal power …just as though you were sitting with me in my office …get the Wellspring Method Personal Effectiveness System and keep YOUR cool around difficult people.

Live Powerfully!
Dr Mark

Mark Lauderdale MD FRCPC
Psychiatrist and Personal Effectiveness Coach

I’ve been asked this question SEVERAL times now, so I thought I’d write an article on the topic.

The word “neighbor harassment” is a very broad term. For different people neighbor harassment can mean anything from neighbors who are verbally abusive to people who are deflating your tires to neighbors who are just plain nosey.

It’s a little like saying, “My dog is misbehaving”. You wouldn’t start right away by working on your dog’s “misbehavior” in general. You’d want to focus on the SPECIFIC forms of misbehavior that are causing a problem, such as jumping up on people, or barking too much, etc…

So, the first thing to do is to identify the specific type of harassment or harassing behavior that is causing the problem.

For the sake of discussion let’s say that your neighbors are frequently rude or disrespectful to you and your family. They use a “hit and run” form of verbal abuse.

The next thing to do is… talk to them? (I can already hear you saying, “I tried that and it didn’t work!”) Let me clear about this… NO!

The next thing to do has NOTHING to do with talking to them.

In fact, jumping into action too quickly is often where people go wrong right off the bat. It’s almost guaranteed that you will DO or SAY the wrong things, which just make things WORSE.

No, the next thing to do is IMAGINE… more specifically, to visualize the way you’d like things to be with your neighbor instead of the way things are. In other words, set your goal and visualize it.

You might want to turn them into friends or you might want to have infrequent but respectful interactions. That’s ok. Just be very clear about your goal – as long as it’s constructive.

So, let’s say that you don’t want to move away from the neighborhood and that what you REALLY want is to end the harassment and for your neighbors to talk in a respectful way to you and your family instead.

Now, since THIS is what you really want, you should make a conscious decision that everything you say or do from now on will move things toward this positive outcome …and furthermore, that everything THEY say or do ALSO becomes an opportunity for you to take things closer to that outcome.

After you’ve imagined what a positive outcome might look like, you should then eliminate your anger, frustration and stress about the situation and feel calm, strong and confident about creating a positive change.

You can’t produce a positive outcome if you’re sitting on negative, angry or hostile feelings.

If you don’t know how to shift your emotional state, use the Wellspring Method, which I created to help you learn how to deal with difficult people and situations like this.

Armed with a feeling of confidence and determination to produce a positive outcome with the difficult person, start imagining what would happen if you were to meet with your neighbor… play out ANY scenarios that come into your mind.

There is not just ONE RIGHT WAY. You know your situation far better than I do and how your particular neighbor is likely to respond.

You might start off by paying them a visit and saying, “I noticed that you seemed unhappy about something when we last spoke, so I thought I’d come over and find out what it is that’s bugging you…”

It’s quite possible that they may not believe you and you may just get another rude response. But, you can persist… “Clearly something was bothering you and I’d really like to know what it is so that we can address the problem.”

You want to persist and be genuinely concerned and curious, so that your neighbor actually starts to feel that you are interested in what their issue is. Persist until you really understand why they are feeling the way they are… even if their concern is based on misinformation or an immature way of seeing things.

Once you understand what their concern is (no matter how rudely they expressed it), you can then start to think of a solution that could address that concern. Of course, if you are addressing their genuine concern, then they will also become more receptive to a friendlier relationship without the disrespectful language.

If there is really no underlying issue that is bothering them, or at least none that they will divulge to you, and they persist with rude language, you can take the approach of paying them a visit each and every time a rude episode occurs… each time approaching them with the same calm and genuine curiosity about what it is that is bugging them.

The more rude they are, the more concerned and curious you can be. Of course, you would need to be able to do this calmly and confidently because pushing your buttons and getting you to react is what they are TRYING to do!

If you continue with repeated discussions over an extended period of time, never retaliating or getting drawn into an argument and always pursuing the issues in great detail, the act of being disrespectful towards you will start to become a bit of a nuisance to your neighbor who will think twice about being rude next time.

He’ll know that hurling another negative comment your way or engaging in further harassment is just going to result in yet another long drawn out discussion in which the things that are bugging him will be put under the microscope for examination.

There are only two outcomes… Either your neighbor will eventually reveal what is really bugging him or her, which you can then address through some kind of win-win solution, or, they will change their tune and avoid being rude in order to avoid another discussion with you.

Let me guide you through a step-by-step process as you learn to be assertive with difficult people and create the positive change you want.

Live Powerfully!
Dr Lauderdale

It IS possible to create a positive change in your relationship with someone, even though the difficult person is behaving in some socially inappropriate way – harassing, bullying, controlling, backstabbing, gossiping, complaining, being rude, unmotivated, uncooperative or negative.

Of course, in a brief article it’s impossible for me to tell you exactly how to handle difficult behavior in every situation.

However, here are a few general principles from my book, ‘Secrets of Dealing With Difficult People’ that will give you some ideas for dealing with difficult people and behavior of ANY kind.

First, Target the Specific Problem Behavior

It’s pointless trying to categorize difficult people into “difficult personality types”. No one is EVER going to fit ANY category perfectly.

Furthermore, you can’t change someone’s basic personality, so why bother classifying them.

It’s much more useful to target the SPECIFIC behavior that is bothering you. You will need avoid the temptation to see the person as “all bad” or “hopeless” in order to do this.

If a person is difficult because they criticize you a lot, or because the volume of their voice is too loud when they talk to you, or they don’t respond to your requests, then target these behaviors.

It makes no difference whether you are dealing with difficult people in the workplace or a difficult relationship at home. Be specific …and decide that it is possible for them to learn how to behave differently!

Next, Be Clear About Your Goal

Most people do not take the time to formulate a positive outcome goal …or they phrase it in a negative way such as, “I just want them to stop being so difficult!”

It works far better to take a few moments to become clear about the way you want things to be. In other words, what positive behavior do you want the other person to be showing? …providing helpful suggestions instead of criticism?…talking in a softer more patient way instead of raising their voice? …responding to your requests instead of ignoring you? …collaborating instead of bullying? …and so on.

Now, you’ve got something to shoot for – a tangible positive goal to create in your relationship. Furthermore, you’ll KNOW when you’ve achieved it.

Some people have been reluctant to set a goal like this. They say, “I can’t change another person”. It’s true that you cannot change someone’s basic personality and it’s also true that you can’t CONTROL another person.

…But you CAN influence them. And you will stand the best chance of influencing them if you have a positive outcome in mind that will benefit them as well as you – this is your positive goal. Examples of goals for dealing with difficult people

Eliminate Your Negative Emotions

You cannot produce a positive change from a negative emotional state. I can’t overestimate the importance of this step.

When you react to a person’s difficult behavior out of your own anger, frustration, anxiety or fear, etc. you will ALWAYS do the wrong thing …automatically!

It’s the way our brains are wired. If you have negative feelings, you will do negative things …and you will just make things worse.

You’ll engage the other person in a fight, or you’ll give up on a fixable situation prematurely, or you’ll do something for which you’ll suffer consequences later.

I have developed a personal empowerment system called the ‘Wellspring Method’ that is very effective for transforming negative emotional reactions and stress into a constructive positive emotions when dealing with difficult people and stressful situations.

The basic idea is to change your anger, frustration, anxiety or any other negative emotion into positive feelings of strength, calmness and determination before dealing with difficult people. Learn more about using the Wellspring Method to deal with difficult people successfully

90% of human interaction is nonverbal. That means that HOW you say something is more important than WHAT you say!

If your emotional state is positive, you will AUTOMATICALLY say it the right way.

Create a Learning Experience to Motivate the Other Person to Change

Assuming you’ve done the previous steps adequately, you’re ready to sit down and brainstorm ways of influencing the behavior you’ve targeted.

Most people try to eliminate the problem behavior right away. Big Mistake! The other person will just resist, so give up the idea of trying to stop it cold.

Instead, think about modifying it or influencing it. Think of something you can consistently do, or some way of changing the circumstances, so that the behavior becomes more of a problem for THEM.

…And furthermore, that the escape from the nuisance or problem you’ve created is through the desired behavior you want instead (your goal).

For example, every time the person criticizes you, you can calmly and in an educational way, remind them that criticism won’t obtain your cooperation, but that helpful suggestions probably will.

Or, if a person raises their voice, you emphasize calmly yet firmly that you can’t hear what they’re trying to say when they talk so loud. You can happily proceed with the conversation once they modify their volume.

You’ll have to be patient and persistent and create the nuisance every time they engage in the target behavior.

Over time, especially if you maintain a respectful positive attitude towards the person, even when they become annoyed with you, and you clearly point to a resolution through the desired behavior, you will start to see the positive change you want.

You can find more details on using this and other approaches to influence the behavior of difficult people in my e-book, “Secrets of Dealing with Difficult People”.

Reinforce the Positive Change

As soon as the other person starts to modify their behavior for the better, reinforce it. Don’t say negative things like, “You should have been doing this all along” or “It’s about time”.

How hard would it be for YOU to change a bad habit?

Be glad to see even minor improvements and let them know that you are surprised and impressed that they were willing to make a change for you.

Without positive reinforcement you risk returning to square one if the other person becomes disillusioned with you and resorts to their favorite old behavior pattern once again.

Commenting on positive effort and improvement in behavior is especially true when dealing with difficult people in the workplace where criticism of performance is so often considered to be “normal”.

Of course, we could often use more appreciation and positive comments at home too, especially when there are problems.

As you can probably imagine, I’ve spent years trying to help others manage their emotions constructively and I’ve learned a great deal about dealing with difficult people effectively.

I’ve spent a lot of time observing and learning from experts (in medicine, in psychology and in business) who could handle difficult people beautifully and even make it look easy.

But I’ve also come across strategies along the way that were totally USELESS in the REAL world for dealing with people.

After working with people for over 20 years I realized that being successful with people does not come from having a bag of tricks or tips or techniques to use with “this type of person” or “that type of problem”.

What resulted in me having great success in dealing with difficult people of all kinds was learning how to make a shift in my “inner reality” first …and THEN creating positive change from this new way of seeing things.

In my eBook “Secrets of Dealing with Difficult People”, I go into detail teaching you this very special perspective and understanding.

I’ll describe my step-by-step process call ‘The Wellspring Method’, which will help you shift out of your old ways of thinking and into a new awareness and attitude that generates phenomenal results with people.

It’s like having x-ray vision while everyone else fumbles around in the dark!

I highly recommend that you read it. It has many useful concepts that will help you approach people with confidence, know what to say and bring out the best in others to achieve the kind of satisfying workplace and successful relationships you want.

You can sign-up now and be flipping through the pages on your computer in a matter a minutes…

Here is the Table of Contents…

Secrets of Dealing with Difficult People
Table of Contents

Part 1: The Key to Understanding Difficult People
Chapter 1: How Difficult People Control You
Chapter 2: How Difficult People Push Your Buttons

Part 2: Feeling Good First… The Wellspring Method
Chapter 3: How to Target the Problem Behavior
Chapter 4: How to Get Clear About What You Want
Chapter 5: How to Stay Calm and Be Confident
Chapter 6: How to Think Through Your Plan

Part 3: Creating Change with Difficult Coworkers, Bosses, Employees, Clients & Relationships
Chapter 7: Your Decision to Create Change
Chapter 8: Things You Should Never Do
Chapter 9: Essential First Steps
Chapter 10: How to Handle Conflict, Complaints, Verbal Abuse and Noncollaboration
Chapter 11: How to Deal with Bullying, Harassment, Gossip, Office Politics and Controlling People

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Learn How to Create Outcomes You Want With Difficult People and Problem Situations!

• Eliminate your frustration and stress,
• Make it impossible for someone to “push your buttons”,
• Gain cooperation from difficult people,
• Deal with negative behavior of all kinds,
• Succeed with people and problems in your workplace,
• Create dramatic positive changes in your relationships,
• Replace anxiety and uncertainty with strength and confidence,
• Be a more effective problem solver when dealing with difficult people,
• Enhance your interpersonal skills and your personal success!

Don’t MISS This Opportunity!

Checking out this book is the very best way to succeed with people in the weeks to come…

Click here now to order…
Secrets of Dealing With Difficult People:

…And Claim Your Bonuses Worth $49!

I’ll talk to you soon,

Mark Lauderdale MD FRCPC

ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Dr Lauderdale is a psychiatrist and personal effectiveness coach in private practice who has a special interest in helping people deal with life challenges powerfully and effectively.

P.S.
Please note: You can print a copy for yourself after you login to your ebook.

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Queen Alexandra Centre For Children’s Health

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“How do you deal with staff who are constantly “starting fires”? Nothing is ever fair, etc.”

My Response…

You should first target the exact behavior that the person is doing when they “start fires”. Are they complaining to other staff members about issues and stirring up resentment? Are they being abrasive or annoying to coworkers who then come to you for assistance? Are they engaging in gossip or backstabbing?

You need to identify the behavior because the next step is be clear about the behavior you want to see instead.

For the sake of discussion, let’s say the “fire starter” is complaining to people and stirring up dissatisfaction. Your positive goal would be to help them register complaints in a more appropriate way and relate to coworkers in a more optimistic manner.

In general, you want to make the problem behavior become more of a problem or a nuisance for THEM while making the constructive behavior become easier and more rewarding.

How could you do that? One idea is to have a discussion with the “fire starter” and point out that they seem to be very good at spotting problems in the workplace. Then, put them to work for 1 hour every day writing out in detail (in a private area) ALL of the things that they see wrong with the business or the current workplace.

After they have done that, have them start to work on writing out in detail five constructive ideas they could propose for solving each of the problems they identified.

You should discuss these matters very seriously in great detail and make it genuine hard work for this person. If one of their solutions is missing something or overlooking something important, then point it out to them and have them go back and revise it to take into account the facts that they missed.

This will do a couple of things.

(1) It will make them see that finding solutions is a lot more difficult than just complaining,
(2) It will help them realize that complaining about unimportant things is not worth the extra work that will be required of them, and,
(3) If they have any genuinely valid complaints that really ought to be addressed, then you will now have someone who can help to improve things (be sure to capitalize on this if it happens).

I would have this person do this special problem-solving work for at least several days, but ideally continue until they appear to be running dry and are really wanted to stop several hours ago.

Then, tell them that if they have any more complaints about unfairness or anything else at ANY time in the future, they should come directly to you so that they can immediately start working on solving the problem with more problem-solving sessions.

Also tell them that if they don’t come to you, then you will assume they are happy with everything and helping others to feel good about their place of work.

It’s likely that they will complain again to someone else. So, be sure to respond right away and give them more problem-solving sessions to address the problem, but add another problem for them to solve – have them figure out how they are going to complain to you first instead of to their coworkers. Then have them carry out the solutions they came up with.

Do this as many times as necessary until they either improve their behavior or quit.

Whenever they are behaving more appropriately, be sure to compliment them on their positive attitude and constructive contributions. Your goal is to get this positive ball rolling with them.

Follow this link to become an expert in dealing with difficult employees.

Live Powerfully!
Dr Mark

Mark Lauderdale MD FRCPC
Psychiatrist and Personal Effectiveness Coach

“I have a boss that has pretty much has been down my throat for just about everything! I have worked there for 4 months now, for example, she had given us a Christmas eating out and I had gotten there early with my husband and we waited and nobody showed up so, we started ordering and started eating well, after we were all done eating, we had finally seen them in another area of the restaurant and we had paid for our meal because she never said she would. So, she paid us back.

To this day, she still brings that up that we didn’t call or looked for them. Also, Monday she yelled at me because I had to use white out on my papers that had to be handed in and she said she was tired of my papers looking like that and said she would take 5% of my pay check if it keeps up. And the papers that I had turned in that wasn’t perfect she had redone them, and forged my name on them! this has got to be illegal some how!

What would you do in this situation???

- Cindy”

My Response…
First, you need to become clear about your goal… the way you’d like things to be instead. I would suggest to you that your goal might be to teach your boss the value of providing constructive criticism (i.e., educational criticism) instead of destructive or demeaning criticism.

Go to her and say, “You are clearly not happy with the quality of my work. So, I’d like you to show me exactly what you want whenever you find something you’d like me to do differently. I’ll do my best to improve if you just show me constructively.”

Then, whenever she complains about something, calmly ask her to show you how she wants you to do it. Keep a personal record of each thing and what you did to improve (e.g. “I now make a point of using the whiteout so that it’s smooth and not lumpy” – just a silly example).

Then each week go to your boss with your list of things that she commented on and describe the positive steps you took to improve things.

This approach will demonstrate to your boss that you genuinely care about doing quality work, that you respect her and that you appreciate her constructive criticism.

If you persist with this approach over several weeks, she will respond by appreciating and respecting you more and will begin to see for herself that she is criticizing you way too much when she sees how big your list is every week.

My ebook, ‘Secrets of Dealing with Difficult People’, can provide you with more examples and principles for handling rude and controlling behavior. It will help you become more effective.

Of course, her excessive criticism will likely persist for awhile. So, to carry out such an approach you should use the Wellspring Method to remain calm and confident and not be triggered by her behavior.

…p.s. If your boss mentions the Christmas dinner again, just earnestly and sincerely ask her what you should do about it to make things right.

Live Powerfully!
Dr Mark

Mark Lauderdale MD FRCPC
Psychiatrist and Personal Effectiveness Coach

When you deal with this you’ll really clear the way to your personal success.

Take Jill’s situation, for example. Jill felt extremely uncomfortable with having to confront her employee about a negative situation at work (View the VIDEO below).

She explained that she was the owner of a hair salon with four employees. She needed to talk to one of them about some issues at work, but she was putting it off because she was experiencing a great deal of anxiety over it…  Basically, she was AFRAID of her reaction.

I started, as I often do, with the question, “When you’re in this situation in the future, would you rather feel stressed and upset… or strong and confident?”

She smiled… It seems like such a silly question.

And yet, it goes right to the heart of the problem – almost any problem. She went along with it and responded, “Strong and confident”.

Then I asked her how she would like things to be instead. She had to reflect a little longer this time…

Have you ever noticed how hard it is to see a positive outcome when you’re in the middle of a situation that triggers your stress?

She finally said, “I’d like to be able to discuss issues with my employees whenever they come up without feeling worried or stressed about it”, and she rated her Level of Stress as an 8 out of 10.

By the end of the session, Jill knew, from inside herself, EXACTLY what she was going to do about her situation. She went on to generate positive new ideas for creating a healthy working environment in the future – where issues could be discussed easily at regular weekly get-togethers.

Jill could hardly believe that she could feel so much better and resolve so much in just one hour!

I met with Jill three weeks later. She was the picture of poise and confidence.

Her employee meeting had gone beautifully! The issues had been resolved so easily that she was almost embarrassed to think of how she had created such unrealistic scenarios in her head purely out of worry and stress.

Watch this live and unrehearsed video to discover how Jill used the Wellspring Method to deal with her difficult situation …a situation she had been stewing about for several of weeks!

This is what I see ALL THE TIME!

Almost always, once a person eliminates their anger, frustration or stress they AUTOMATICALLY become FAR more capable of dealing with their issue.

That was certainly true of Jill. I actually provided no information or ideas whatsoever about how to deal with her “difficult” employees!

Could My Methods Help YOU Resolve Your Difficult People Problem?

If I were to help you with this problem in my office in-person, it would cost you $200 per session and my waiting list is several months long. But because this method works so well, I wanted to find a way to help a lot more people.

So, I recorded my step-by-step method on a set of CDs so you can experience my voice guiding you through the entire process… just as though you were sitting with me in my office!

This step-by-step process is called, The Wellspring Method and it’s available for immediate access so you can get started resolving your problems with a difficult person or clear up a stressful situation in your life right away!

This process will help you to…

		Influence someone to change their annoying behavior while improving your relationship, not damaging it or making things worse,
		Generate calmness and understanding with someone who is angry,
		Promote healthy communication with people who are reserved, resistant or holding back,
		Remain calm and confident when dealing with someone who is argumentative or critical,
		Resolve conflicts constructively and creatively,
		Deal effectively with controlling people,
		Successfully address gossip, backstabbing, manipulative and disrespectful behavior,
		Turn your anxiety and stress into powerful confidence as you prepare for upcoming challenges or difficult situations,
		Deal with pushy, bossy or attacking behavior,
		Turn your frustration and anger into effective problem-solving.

The next time you’re facing your difficult situation or dealing with that difficult person, would you rather feel angry, stressed and frustrated or calm, strong and confident?

And, in which mental state do you think you’d be more successful when dealing with that person or situation in the future – frustrated and stressed, or strong and confident?

The Wellspring Method can do this for you, but it can also help you generate constructive ideas for dealing with your unique situation that are far more personal, specific and useful than any article you could read or advice you could receive.

What if you could see that difficult person again in the future and NOT feel frustrated, anxious or stressed?

How much would it be worth to you if you could actually get them working WITH you instead of against you?

For less than the price of single coaching session out you could be using my step-by-step problem-solving system to create the positive changes you want within the next few hours…

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More About The Wellspring Method…

Learn How To Turn Problems With People
Into Successful Solutions!

Consider this… If you DON’T decide to deal with your difficult person or situation NOW, then how will things turn out? Could things get WORSE?

I encourage you to Take Charge NOW! because the sooner you act, the sooner you’ll achieve the positive results you want.

Live Powerfully!

P.S. Don’t even think about spending one more day with the stress of your difficult situation hanging over you… because anger, anxiety and stress are expensive emotions! They waste your money and they rob your time!

Remember, you have a 100% satisfaction guarantee – if you’re not happy, you’ll receive a FULL REFUND. This is truly a 100% risk- free offer.