Here are some typical feelings and reactions that are signs that you are dealing with a narcissistic personality.

Do you feel like this around someone in YOUR life?

• I am always made to feel SMALL or less important to them than I believe I should feel,
• I hate that they always need to be right!
• I tend to feel inferior or less capable in my own life (even though I KNOW I am not),
• I get tired of hearing their ramblings about all of their accomplishment and successes in life,
• I feel down about my own accomplishments and successes,
• I tend to bounce between admiration for them and anger,
• I don’t want to treat them as good as I would like for fear of “adding” to their inflated sense of self worth,
• I hate the un-winnable discussions and arguments,
• I feel that I always take a back seat in their lives,
• I am also somewhat embarrassed to present this person to friends – because he/she can rub people the wrong way and make OTHERS feel bad about themselves too,
• Its just not FUN being in shadows of this person.

Who are we talking about when we say someone is a narcissist? When we speak of a narcissistic personality, we are often referring to someone who is extremely self-centered.

And when we’re around someone like that we usually have some kind of automatic emotional reaction to them. In other words, they “push your buttons”.

Narcissism Definition

The narcissist measures life in terms of achievement. They seem to believe that being “the best” or “better than others” is the way to feel good about themselves. Conversely, if they are NOT doing better than others they feel bad about themselves.

They do not seem to see the value in just having fun with someone, or in the enjoyment of an experience simply because the experience is enjoyable, or in the good feelings that come from taking an interest in others.

Here’s a simplified summary of Narcissistic Personality Disorder from the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual (DSM-IV-TR) of the American Psychiatric Association.

A narcissist…

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How Do You Deal With a Narcissist?

Unfortunately when a narcissist builds themselves up, it can automatically make us think that they are putting us down.

This can trigger a variety of negative emotions including anger, inferiority, anxiety, etc. The problem is that whenever you act on these negative feelings you will ALWAYS automatically say or do the wrong thing!

Therefore, as with most difficult people, the first step in dealing with the self-centered self-important narcissist is to prevent yourself from feeling put down or feeling inferior (i.e., “being triggered”) when you are with them.

How can you do this?

The best way is to stay focused on your own self-worth and realize that feeling good is ALWAYS the best plan. When I say “feeling good”, I don’t mean feeling “happy” with the other person’s behavior. I mean feeling strong, confident and positive about yourself, even when the other person is behaving poorly.

In other words, train yourself to handle narcissistic behavior without taking it personally.

That means that you don’t allow the narcissist to trigger negative judgments about yourself and that you view their behavior simply as a sign of insecurity or immaturity.

Now I realize that this may be easier said than done, which is why I created the Wellspring Method and use it in my office every day with people who are facing stressful life situations or dealing with difficult people.

The fact is that when you are able to stay centered in your own good feelings and confidence, you will be in a much stronger position to positively INFLUENCE the narcissist and perhaps create a change in their behavior… at least whenever they are around YOU.

How to Influence Narcissistic Behavior

Assuming that you have learned how not to be triggered by narcissistic behavior and you have shifted yourself into a positive emotional state, you can now begin to influence the narcissist towards more positive behavior.

You cannot change the narcissist’s whole personality, so don’t even try. This would be like trying to empty Lake Superior with a bucket!

You just want to target some piece of behavior that is problematic. After you influence that behavior you can target another behavior, and so on.

After targeting a specific negative behavior, become clear about the behavior you want them to be doing instead. Let’s say, for example, that you’d like your narcissist to be showing more of an interest in you and your thoughts and ideas.

One of the most powerful motivators known to mankind is that little stone in your shoe! So, let me describe how to use this principle to influence someone’s behavior.

A good way to deal with difficult behavior is to think of some way to make their behavior (the specific negative behavior you targeted) become more of a problem or a nuisance for THEM, so that the escape from that problem or nuisance is through the desirable behavior you want instead.

Ok, so if your goal is for them to show more of an interest in you, then don’t let them dominate the conversation. Take your turn to talk about what’s happening in YOUR life. Then, when the narcissist prematurely shifts the conversation away from you and onto themselves again, comment on it… “I notice that you’re not that interested in what I’m saying right now (i.e., my thoughts, ideas, experiences, difficulties, etc.)”

Now, here’s the secret. Make your comment without anger or annoyance or any other negative emotion. Since your goal is to head toward a better relationship, keep it positive and friendly. You’re simply creating a little bit of a problem for the narcissist who will find this mild criticism rather unsettling.

In order to create a genuine change in their behavior you should keep doing this consistently at every opportunity. You can use variations on that sentence. For example, “I thought you were more interested in what I was saying,” or “Did you want to hear more about my (experience, problem, life, etc.)?” or “Do you value my perspective on this subject?”

Allow the narcissist to feel a little uncomfortable, but then always graciously allow them to escape the discomfort by smiling or complimenting them when they DO invite you to continue with your story or whenever they do start showing more of an interest in your ideas (e.g., “Thanks for listening. I really enjoyed our conversation.”)

Creating targeted little nuisances like this over an extended period of time produces a much stronger influence than any big angry confrontation ever could.

Of course, there are many other specific behaviors that a narcissist might show, such as being rude or condescending, throwing a temper when things don’t go his or her way, becoming verbally abusive or being excessively controlling, but these behaviors can also be dealt with using the same principles, which are described in more detail in my ebook, ‘Secrets of Dealing with Difficult People’.

What Are the Benefits of Dealing With a Narcissist in Your Life?

		You’ll be able to talk with them and still keep your self-esteem intact,
		They will no longer “push your buttons” and make you feel less capable or inferior,
		You’ll be able to influence them to interact with you more appropriately instead of continuously bragging about their accomplishments,
		Your anger, annoyance or anxiety will stop being triggered as you focus on EFFECTIVE responses to their behavior,
		You’ll be able to help them see that your way of doing things can be just as right as theirs,
		You can train them to talk about themselves less and take more of an interest in you and what you have to say,
		You’ll be free to enjoy more of the positive things that this person has to offer,
		You will become an equal in the relationship instead of taking the back seat any longer.

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Learn How to Deal with a Narcissist and Win Back Your Self Worth!

For more information on dealing with narcissistic behavior, check out my book where you can learn all about my principles and strategies for dealing with difficult people successfully.
… Learn more on how to deal with difficult people.

Secrets of Dealing with Difficult People

Unlike other books, this 201-page book shows you a tested systematic method to help you calmly and confidently create the positive change you want when dealing with difficult people (available in eBook or Soft Cover).
                                  Price: $23

Mark Lauderdale MD FRCPC

ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Dr Lauderdale is a psychiatrist and personal effectiveness coach in private practice who has a special interest in helping people deal with stressful life situations and difficult people powerfully and effectively.